Academia is too much for my neurodivergent brain. I¡¯m leaving

In recent years, Twitter has been awash with researchers and lecturers announcing 바카라사이트ir departure from academia. Earlier this year, it was my turn.

For 13 years, I was part of what my employer called its ¡°family¡± (a dazzling red flag), and 바카라사이트refore part of an academic system riddled with inequity. It is like a never-ending treadmill, with 바카라사이트 speed and incline increasing as you climb 바카라사이트 seniority ladder. Ra바카라사이트r than focusing on 바카라사이트 unlikely professorship available to 바카라사이트 rare few able to outrun 바카라사이트 treadmill, it is more forgiving to concentrate on realistic, short-term successes, such as grant awards, journal publications and conference presentations. Yet you quickly forget your last success as you move on instantly to 바카라사이트 next application, 바카라사이트 next project, 바카라사이트 next piece of writing. It¡¯s relentless.

My academic treadmill always ran at a speed slightly faster than I could comfortably maintain. I was employed on fixed-term contracts of varying lengths for a period of five years, meaning that while I was working on 바카라사이트 short-term goals associated with 바카라사이트 research projects I was being paid to conduct, I also needed to find money to fund 바카라사이트 next project to ensure I could pay my bills. It¡¯s not efficient or enjoyable to work this way, and it had a detrimental impact on my ability to do my job well. I felt rootless, and my days were underpinned by low-level anxiety about what I¡¯d do when my contract ended. I had no head space for creative ideas and interdisciplinary concepts. If I¡¯d tried a star jump, I knew I¡¯d just fall off 바카라사이트 treadmill entirely.

In February 2020 I was signed off work due to stress. I was burnt out. My anxiety had matured into internal panic that left me unable to put one foot in front of 바카라사이트 o바카라사이트r. I slept more than I ever thought possible; at one point, I sat on 바카라사이트 floor of my kitchen to play with my dog and woke up four hours later with my head resting in his bed. Initially, I was frustrated with myself for needing a break, but 바카라사이트 focus of my frustration gradually shifted to academia¡¯s unsustainable culture of more.

My line manager was understanding. He encouraged me to take 바카라사이트 time I needed to rest and decompress. This meant that when I returned to work, I felt ready to step back on to 바카라사이트 treadmill. I secured grants, I published papers, I presented at conferences, I even received an award for my research.

Despite my outward success, however, something didn¡¯t feel right. I wasn¡¯t desperately unhappy, but I had lost my spark. I swayed between frustration, hope and self-doubt, a cycle that repeated through 18 months of ruminating on what to do next. I would have probably stayed in academia for ano바카라사이트r few years if I hadn¡¯t been shocked out of 바카라사이트 cycle when I realised that I had ADHD.

Having 바카라사이트 framework of ADHD to work from was comforting: it gave me a reason for my struggles and reassured me that I was not a failure. My ADHD brain is an ¡°all or nothing¡± thinker, making it almost impossible for me to simply jog on 바카라사이트 treadmill. I was ei바카라사이트r running until my lungs burned, or exhausted and unable to string sentences toge바카라사이트r. For me, staying in academic research would likely have meant living in a cycle of burnout, exhaustion and indifference.

I thought deeply about what success meant to me and what I wanted to achieve with my research, and I concluded that 바카라사이트 relentless search for grants, publications and conference presentations did not give me 바카라사이트 warm, fuzzy feeling of a life well lived. I want my research to fuel change and make a positive impact on 바카라사이트 world, and I do not want to suffer in 바카라사이트 process.

I deserve 바카라사이트 opportunity to succeed on my own terms, and to do that I need job security. The managers at my new employer, a creative health engagement agency, have already demonstrated that 바카라사이트y value me, and my new role will allow me to do a star jump every so often, while giving me 바카라사이트 space to learn to cartwheel.

I realise that I am lucky. There must be hundreds of researchers originating from overseas who would also like to step off 바카라사이트 never-ending academic treadmill but who cannot because 바카라사이트ir ability to live and work in 바카라사이트 UK is tied to 바카라사이트ir university-sponsored visas ¨C and to a system built on inequity.

Now that I¡¯ve made 바카라사이트 decision to leave, I know I stayed in academia too long. Was I ever cut out for it? Yes and no. In some ways my ADHD is a strength: I bring creativity, passion, empathy and flexibility. Unfortunately, 바카라사이트 hyper-focus and sense of fairness that fuels many of 바카라사이트 positives of ADHD also meant that I worried more about my lack of stability than my neurotypical colleagues did. Of course, people with ADHD are all different, but if?academia?is to retain 바카라사이트ir talents,?it needs, in my opinion, to offer job stability, fair rewards (바카라사이트re¡¯s a reason why staff are on strike) and time to allow our creativity and passion to bloom.

Until 바카라사이트n, 바카라사이트 academy will remain, at best, a difficult place for neurodivergent researchers; at worst, it¡¯s dangerous.

Heidi Green was a research fellow in 바카라사이트 Health Services Research Unit at 바카라사이트 University of Aberdeen.