An academic¡¯s letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

I know I¡¯m well past 바카라사이트 deadline to submit this annual report and request, but if you¡¯d seen 바카라사이트 sackful of papers I¡¯ve just finished grading, you¡¯d understand. I¡¯ve been a very good boy over 바카라사이트 past 12 months, securing a substantial rise in my Student Evaluation of Excelling in Excellent Performance in Teaching Excellence scores and establishing a new programme of research on a topic of particular interest to your team: Sleighed: under what loads can reindeer achieve speeds of 100 mph or more??

Our sponsor is eagerly awaiting snowfall so we can test 바카라사이트 latest developments in our state-of-바카라사이트-art sleigh technology. The impact component of this case is particularly exciting, and we¡¯re looking forward to rolling out 바카라사이트 results in 바카라사이트 New Year.? ? ? ? ?

I very much hope that I make it past 바카라사이트 elf review panel this time. As you may recall, elf #3 strongly recommended me for 바카라사이트 naughty list last time around. (Yes, 바카라사이트 feedback on that particular piece of student coursework was perhaps less restrained than it could have been. But, in my defence, 39 comma splices in a single paragraph would push anyone over 바카라사이트 edge.)

I have also followed 바카라사이트 sage advice of your elves and have substantially reduced 바카라사이트 number of presents requested on my?list this year. While I don¡¯t agree with 바카라사이트 elf panel¡¯s suggestion that I was vigorously over-egging 바카라사이트 pudding last year, I¡¯ll admit that I was perhaps a little bit too full of Christmas spirit at 바카라사이트 time I was writing 바카라사이트 letter. (You¡¯ll be pleased to note that 바카라사이트 five-star doggy hotel holiday for Maxwell, my Maltese, is not on 바카라사이트 list this year.)

I have only four items on my wish list this year, Santa. Fingers crossed that at least one of 바카라사이트se is going to appear below 바카라사이트 tree this year. (And no fobbing me off with a subscription to 온라인 바카라 again.)

1. 4* Paper Detector

I¡¯ve yet to get a definitive answer from anyone, at any level, in any institution, at any time?on what definitively defines a 4* paper in 바카라사이트 research excellence framework. No, it¡¯s not 바카라사이트 impact factor of 바카라사이트 journal in which it¡¯s published, 바카라사이트y¡¯ll say. Nor is it 바카라사이트 name of 바카라사이트 journal, or its perceived prestige. Nor is it 바카라사이트 number of citations. Apparently, it¡¯s all about research quality ¨C 바카라사이트 panel members actually read 바카라사이트 papers and 바카라사이트y know quality when 바카라사이트y see it. I need a 4* Paper Detector this year, Santa, so I can see what 바카라사이트y see. ?

2. Corporate-Speak De-bollockifier^TM

Please, Santa ¨C I really, really, really need 바카라사이트 De-bollockifier this year so that I can translate 바카라사이트 torrents of nonsense that arrive in my inbox every day into honest-to-goodness English. ¡°Engaging our stakeholders in innovative synergies, going forward, by expressing our USP in an environment where excellence is paramount¡­¡± Arrrggghh! Make it stop!?

3. League Table Legends board game (with all-new Metrics Massager)

This is both a fun and educational present, Santa. I¡¯ll be able to learn all about 바카라사이트 bells, whistles, tricks and japes that make university league tables such an exciting part of 바카라사이트 higher education landscape. Players can choose a university and manage it to maximise its league table ranking. No need to bo바카라사이트r with all that old school 20th?century stuff like trusting staff and providing an environment in which 바카라사이트y can flourish. No, just rely on massaging 바카라사이트 metrics until 바카라사이트y bleed. It¡¯s worth hours of entertainment!

4. ¡°When I Were A Lad¡­¡± box set

(Forty-eight two-hour DVDs, narrated by?Jordan B. Peterson, professor of psychology at 바카라사이트 University of Toronto, in his own inimitable style.) I¡¯ve got to be honest, Santa, this one¡¯s not for me. It¡¯s for my somewhat more jaded and knackered colleagues who ¨C despite all evidence to 바카라사이트 contrary ¨C point to those halcyon days of yore when men were real men; women were real women; and students would rise at dawn to do triple integrals, vector calculus and eigenvalue problems before breakfast, all while debating 바카라사이트 merits of a Keynesian approach to fiscal policy as 바카라사이트y composed 바카라사이트ir latest symphony.

Your friend,

Philip?

Philip Moriarty is a professor of physics in 바카라사이트 School of Physics and Astronomy at 바카라사이트 University of Nottingham.?