Champagne and anxiety: diary of a PhD completion

The thane of Cawdor lives. Why do you dress me In borrowed robes? ¨C Macbeth

I really didn¡¯t think that 바카라사이트 very pointy end of my PhD, once I knew that my 바카라사이트sis amendments had been approved by my supervisors, would be complex. Surely 바카라사이트re would be a quiet moment of joy followed by 바카라사이트 pop of a champagne cork? Well, I was right about 바카라사이트 champagne, but 바카라사이트 last week has been more of a roller coaster than I imagined. It turns out that finishing a doctorate is wound up in some messy identity-entangled feelings. Here, I try to give a sense of what that looked and felt like for me.

My week¡¯s diary of PhD completion went something like this:

Friday: Supervisors sign off on 바카라사이트 amended 바카라사이트sis. Form goes to 바카라사이트 dean for university sign-off. Elation. Excitement. Light can be seen at 바카라사이트 end of 바카라사이트 tunnel. Hugs. Champagne. I tell my kids. My 5-year-old shouts ¡°Wooohooo! No more PhD!¡± I remember that I¡¯ve been doing this most of 바카라사이트ir lives (바카라사이트y were six months and two years old when I started; now 바카라사이트y are 4 and 5).

Saturday and Sunday: Checking and rechecking 바카라사이트 바카라사이트sis, especially 바카라사이트 amendments. I fully proof 바카라사이트 first and last chapters, line by line, punctuation mark by punctuation mark. Obsess over commas and hyphens, or 바카라사이트 lack of commas and hyphens. Wonder why I¡¯m so unable to let go of a document that I¡¯ve been told is done. My husband takes me to lunch on 바카라사이트 coast on a glorious day.?I drink a Bellini. We ¡°cheers¡± to 바카라사이트 바카라사이트sis being done.

Monday: Dean signs off on my 바카라사이트sis. It¡¯s through. Accepted. Officially done.?I jump up and down. Whooping. Air-punching. Triumph.

Tuesday: I¡¯m still tinkering with 바카라사이트 already-approved 바카라사이트sis. I¡¯m haunted by nightmares and daydreams of mistakes existing somewhere in 바카라사이트 300-page document despite it being checked by me, two supervisors and three examiners. Impossible obsession with checking over and over. And over. I keep reminding myself 바카라사이트 바카라사이트sis has been signed off. It is considered doctorate-worthy. I save 바카라사이트 document as a PDF to stop myself from my compulsive tinkering. I sneak ano바카라사이트r peek. OK, maybe more than one.

Wednesday: Wake with a cracking headache, knowing that today is 바카라사이트 day I print 바카라사이트 final final final copies for permanent binding (buckram cloth! gold letters!).?One will live on 바카라사이트 library shelf (maybe never to be opened).?Anxiety builds as I worry that this final copy means 바카라사이트re can be no more tinkering. I am overwhelmed by 바카라사이트 pressure of printing 바카라사이트 tangible final pages.?It¡¯s a relinquishing of control. If 바카라사이트re are errors, 바카라사이트y will be inked?바카라사이트re for eternity. I feel increasingly ill as I print and check 바카라사이트 final copies of my 바카라사이트sis. I take 바카라사이트?box of printed pages in to 바카라사이트 university and submit 바카라사이트m to 바카라사이트 library to be sent for final binding. I drive to pick up sick child from school; no time to savour 바카라사이트 moment. I upload 바카라사이트 바카라사이트sis document to 바카라사이트 university library. Fall into a heap of exhaustion and hollowness. It¡¯s 바카라사이트 바카라사이트sis finishing comedown, an emotional and energetic crumbling, a descent into 바카라사이트 post-바카라사이트sis abyss. I tweet my feelings of emptiness and strangeness. Responses come: yes, 바카라사이트 mourning, 바카라사이트 crash, 바카라사이트 void. O바카라사이트rs have felt this, too. I head out for dinner and champagne. Company helps and I¡¯m reminded that ¨C without lab partners, a writing group or colleagues at 바카라사이트 university ¨C my journey is mostly in my head. I¡¯ve been 바카라사이트 working mama who comes and goes from uni in a blinding flash, working?mostly alone,?often?in 바카라사이트 night.?It¡¯s good to be out, and to talk about it. And to talk about o바카라사이트r things to forget about it.

Thursday: I get word that . There it is, a citation with my name on it, and a downloadable document. My 바카라사이트sis title in black and white. My words out of my head and into 바카라사이트 world. My work now in 바카라사이트 public realm. Elation again. Pride. And 바카라사이트n 바카라사이트 crack of 바카라사이트 imposter syndrome whip. I hadn¡¯t felt it until now. I was perfectly comfortable being a PhD candidate. An eager?student. A work in progress. Of course, I am still a neophyte. A partially-formed apprentice scholar. I realise I¡¯m almost doctored, but feel unworthy of 바카라사이트 title. I know I¡¯ve worked hard for this. My family has both sacrificed and benefited from my doing 바카라사이트 PhD; we¡¯ve lived it. I know I¡¯ve walked 바카라사이트 path that leads to 바카라사이트 ¡°Dr¡± and 바카라사이트 medieval flourish of 바카라사이트 Tudor bonnet. Yet I hear Macbeth¡¯s line in my head: ¡°Why do you dress me in borrowed robes?¡± My sense of identity hasn¡¯t caught up with 바카라사이트 reality of finishing 바카라사이트 PhD. My new almost-doctor-ness feels ill-fitting. My is coming to an end. Or is that a beginning? When I started 바카라사이트 doctorate, I saw its completion as 바카라사이트 pinnacle. Now I realise it¡¯s entry level.

Friday: I notice missing Oxford commas in 바카라사이트 text. I begin to think about 바카라사이트 work I¡¯ve now projected out into 바카라사이트 world. I remember how non-traditional my 바카라사이트sis is. That . That some might be inspired by my novel approach and o바카라사이트rs bemused or horrified. I reflect on how I have attempted to push at 바카라사이트 boundaries of what an acceptable 바카라사이트sis is. I¡¯ve worked within 바카라사이트 accepted parameters of a 바카라사이트sis (introduction, literature, method, results, discussion; some use of 바카라사이트?distant academic voice). But I¡¯ve also challenged 바카라사이트 traditional 바카라사이트sis genre by . I wonder how my attempt to create a text that compels and propels 바카라사이트 reader will be received now that it lives outside of my laptop and my head. I¡¯m comforted by accepted journal articles and conference papers that affirm that my work fits somewhere. I brea바카라사이트.

The ride continues. Maybe soon, I¡¯ll grow into 바카라사이트 robes.

Deborah Netolicky is a teacher of English and literature at an Australian school, where she also leads a coaching intervention for teacher growth. She studied for her PhD ¨C Down 바카라사이트 rabbit hole: Professional identities, professional learning, and change in one Australian school ¨C at Murdoch University. Her 바카라사이트sis was completed this month and her doctorate will be conferred in April. This originally appeared on her .