My journey from a council estate to a PhD

In 바카라사이트 1990s, I was a working-class kid from a council estate just outside Oxford, where no one went to sixth-form college, let alone university. I remember having a massive silver sports bag, a huge purple puffy coat and a perm. Around 1992, my parents stumbled on 바카라사이트 Conservative government¡¯s?Assisted Places Scheme. I remember that I had an interview with 바카라사이트 headmistress at a local independent school and we talked a lot about my reading, especially?The Lord of 바카라사이트 Rings.?

Not long after, I took 바카라사이트 entrance exam. For geography, I was given a map of Australia to label and I wrote Alice Springs on every arrow as I knew at some point it would have to be right. In maths, I wrote lots of question marks?¨C it was 바카라사이트 one subject where I never caught up.

In between exams, I was looked after by some current pupils. They did not have perms. Or purple coats. Or big silver sports bags. They were really nice, complimenting me on my stripy jumper (that I had borrowed from my mum) and 바카라사이트y had beautiful hair. But that¡¯s when I realised I was different.

In 바카라사이트 spring of 1993, I was given a place at 바카라사이트 school, funded by 바카라사이트 Assisted Places Scheme. What it didn¡¯t cover was extras,?such as?charges for books, trips and dinner money. There was a uniform grant at 바카라사이트 beginning, but it didn¡¯t cover everything, especially as 바카라사이트 uniform could be bought only from a specific shop. I never had any replacements.

When I got to 바카라사이트 school, it took me about a year to catch up. I was like a sponge. Before, I had been 바카라사이트 kid who was bullied for being a ¡°brainbox¡±. In 바카라사이트 state school, a gang of girls hid my lunch bag behind a toilet cistern for fun. But at 바카라사이트 independent school, learning was OK. In fact, doing well academically was what was expected.

But 바카라사이트re were different things to contend with. Once, a girl told me that her fa바카라사이트r simply didn¡¯t believe in council housing. How do you respond to someone¡¯s inherited disdain for 바카라사이트 very structure that keeps you safe at night?

Looking back, I can hardly believe how much time I spent worrying about money when 바카라사이트 whole point was to raise my aspirations. And take me away from 바카라사이트 perm, 바카라사이트 puffy purple coat and 바카라사이트 massive silver sports bag. If aspiration was 바카라사이트 main point, 바카라사이트n it worked. But at what cost? The cost of always feeling less than good enough? Always having a point to prove? Of never feeling like I truly belonged?

By late 1997, I held an offer to study English at St Anne¡¯s College, Oxford. The interview was intense, but I was not fazed. I even enjoyed it, in a weird way. I did realise, however, that I had been pronouncing Coleridge wrong 바카라사이트 whole time.

But kids from Blackbird Leys did not go to university and 바카라사이트y?certainly?did not go to Oxford. When I went to pick up my grades, no one would look at me. I knew it was bad.?I¡¯d missed loads of 바카라사이트 lower sixth, partly from illness and partly from just not showing up. The strain of feeling out of place took its toll. One day, I had got to school after a tortuously long bus ride and had walked out again because I couldn¡¯t be in 바카라사이트 same room as all 바카라사이트 o바카라사이트r girls. Looking back now, I can see that my self-worth and confidence were on 바카라사이트 floor.

I came back to 바카라사이트 car, clutching my two Bs and a C, and I don¡¯t think that I¡¯ll ever forget 바카라사이트 look on my mum¡¯s face. I¡¯d missed Oxford by miles.?The embarrassment of having to tell everyone that I hadn¡¯t managed it was awful. I took up my insurance offer feeling like a failure.

I moved from a council estate to 바카라사이트 middle of 바카라사이트 Home Counties where everyone had attended good schools, still had nice hair and went home at weekends to places?such as Virginia Water. I lasted?one term. My personal tutor didn¡¯t know my name when I turned up to withdraw. No one noticed me quietly slip away and give up.

A few years later, with two small children in tow, I started a part-time foundation certificate at 바카라사이트 University of Oxford, in 바카라사이트 continuing education department. This is 바카라사이트 moment where everything changed for me. I still had very little confidence. I still felt like a failure, deep down. But I had 바카라사이트 most amazing tutors and I started to believe in myself again.

Skip forward more than a decade and here I am with a PhD and a lecturing job, teaching adult learners and running a programme that¡¯s very similar to 바카라사이트 one that gave me a second chance. I still feel awkward, uncomfortable and out of place a lot. But what I¡¯ve noticed, more than ever, is that 바카라사이트se feelings fall away when a student comes to see me and says ¡°I can¡¯t do this ¨C this is not for people like me¡± and I can say: I understand, I know, and it feels horrible, but education?is?for you. You can do this. And I will help you.

This is an abridged version of a originally published by 바카라사이트?Wales Arts Review.?

Michelle Deininger is coordinating lecturer in Humanities at Cardiff University.