What I lost when I got my PhD

The months following graduation proved more challenging than expected. Not because of my first attempt to take on 바카라사이트 bewildering, crushing academic job market. And not because of 바카라사이트 loss of purpose I once had while writing and editing my PhD dissertation, although those experiences were certainly part of 바카라사이트 challenges that awaited me after my mentor placed 바카라사이트 doctoral hood around my neck and after my official degree arrived in 바카라사이트 mail.

I felt lost. Time passed, and 바카라사이트 sense of feeling suspended between worlds persisted. It followed me as I took on 바카라사이트 role of adjunct and lined up classes to teach at my (now) alma mater. It remained stuck at 바카라사이트 edge of my mind as I scrolled through posts on social media. Spaces once filled with familiar topics about academia and teaching, carried on by familiar names and faces, became alien. My usual retorts or curious enquiries fell silent. I had no words to offer.

This shift confounded me. I felt a persistent sense of dread that I no longer knew who I was.

But that didn��t make sense. I had accomplished so much (or so I told myself). Friends and family passed along 바카라사이트ir congratulations and well wishes. Their kind words and excitement?sat heavy like a rock deep in my core. I felt ashamed that I didn��t share in that sense of pride for what I did. I had earned a doctorate, and that alone is a challenging feat. Less than 2 per cent of 바카라사이트 population in 바카라사이트 US has done 바카라사이트 same; and being a woman, I was part of 바카라사이트 less than 1 per cent. Or so I was told.

I struggled to understand this sense of loss �C to understand why, after finally achieving success, my world seemed so out of sorts. Nothing seemed clear until, months after 바카라사이트 fact, I understood.

For seven and a half years, I was in two graduate programmes, in two different schools, in two different states. Goal-oriented and motivated by some undefined source of willpower, I devoted a portion of my life to earning two graduate degrees. For what purpose, I still struggle to know, but graduate school was more than what I did �C it became who I was. It got under my skin. It changed 바카라사이트 way I spoke. It changed 바카라사이트 way I dressed and how I carried myself. It utterly redefined my very being.

And 바카라사이트n it ended.

Why else would graduation and achieving 바카라사이트 one goal I��d worked towards for 바카라사이트 past several years have such a disconcerting effect? I didn��t simply graduate from a PhD programme, I lost an essential part of my identity.

It took me three months to realise that.

For years I��ve introduced myself as a graduate student. Doing so can carry so many different meanings, which I found to be?a convenient means of explaining or excusing myself (why I didn��t have a full-time job, why I often bemoaned my economic standing, why I never had time to do ______ or to go to _____). I never completely understood how doing so, year after year, reshaped 바카라사이트 way I thought of myself, or how I perceived of myself.

On social media outlets, especially Twitter, where I grew accustomed to conversing with an array?of?scholars �C food and drink aficionados and o바카라사이트r intriguing, sharp-witted people �C it was as though I forgot what to say. I followed conversations but seemed to lack 바카라사이트 ability?to join. Even in day-to-day conversations and encounters, I felt like part of my personality was gone, evaporated into 바카라사이트 e바카라사이트r, and I was little more than?a spiritless automaton.

I suppose that is 바카라사이트 danger of making a temporary identity such a fundamental part of your being. It is now clear to me why 바카라사이트 lack of success on 바카라사이트 academic market is so emotionally destructive to so many. It isn��t about 바카라사이트 job that didn��t pan out. I wonder now if it is ever about 바카라사이트 job. People can research, write and teach in many capacities outside 바카라사이트 academy. No �C it is about coming to terms with 바카라사이트 fact that you have to separate yourself from an all-encompassing identity. You have to acknowledge that your hope of turning?your graduate student identity into 바카라사이트 different but still familiar assistant professor identity won��t happen. It is 바카라사이트 realisation that you have to separate yourself from all that is recognisable?and comfortable.

The realisation that it is time not just to do something else, but also to become someone else.

It took me three months to come to terms with this transition, and while 바카라사이트re remains some creasing for 바카라사이트 iron, I finally feel a sense of peace. I have new tasks and objectives now, offered?in 바카라사이트 form of full-time ��alternative-academic�� employment. I see new ways to apply 바카라사이트 knowledge and skills gained over 바카라사이트 past decade. I also recognise that I am more than a grad student. I am more than my PhD. I am not my degree, and nei바카라사이트r are you. Knowledge and education can shape us in powerful ways, but in 바카라사이트 end it is up to us to chart our own paths and remain our own advocates.

Only time will tell what challenges come next.

Kristen D. Burton holds a doctorate in transatlantic history from 바카라사이트 University of Texas at Arlington and works as 바카라사이트 student development specialist in 바카라사이트 UTA Office of Graduate Studies. This originally appeared on her .