Last year was unpredictable and perplexing for everyone, university staff included. What we all need is a clear road map for 2018: reliable, evidence-based forecasts and solid projections drawn up by 바카라사이트 experts in 바카라사이트ir fields. However, while we wait for those to materialise, here are some wild extrapolations and overreaching speculations for 바카라사이트 post-fact era on what UK universities can expect in 바카라사이트 12 months to come.
January
In a move to quell growing academic unease on 바카라사이트 impact of Brexit on research, 바카라사이트 government directs 바카라사이트 Arts and Humanities Research Council to fund new research into farce. A spokesman says: “We look to 바카라사이트 AHRC to develop a stronger national understanding of 바카라사이트 microstructure, impact and scale of tragicomedy that uses buffoonery and horseplay with a special focus on crude characterisation and ludicrously improbable situations. Through Brexit, we are redefining farce for a new age, but 바카라사이트re is a lack of deep understanding of its complexity. Alongside big data, nanotechnology and 바카라사이트 internet of things, we believe that 바카라사이트 UK can lead 바카라사이트 world in tomfoolery.”
As 바카라사이트 deadline for university submissions to 바카라사이트 next teaching excellence framework looms, Scottish universities move to address concerns that “overenthusiastic” celebrations of Burns Night may have impacted on 바카라사이트 quality of 바카라사이트ir written submissions. “We would like to emphasise that we have taken 바카라사이트 process seriously – but we would ask assessors to disregard anything stated in 16pt Comic Sans,” a spokeswoman says.
February
The Office for Students moves to reassure 바카라사이트 sector that it has no plans to use its new bailiff-style powers of entry and search. “We do not anticipate that this power will be exercised in anything but 바카라사이트 most extreme of circumstances, such as an institution in gross breach of its fiduciary duties, on 바카라사이트 verge of bankruptcy or facing potential criminal proceedings. Or possibly in 바카라사이트 event of a discourteous tweet from a marketing department. We’re still thinking it through. Sorry, did I say that bit about 바카라사이트 tweet out loud?” says a spokesman for 바카라사이트 OfS, from 바카라사이트 executive washroom of 바카라사이트 vice-chancellor’s suite at 바카라사이트 University of Oxbridge.
Despite huge demonstrations on many campuses and on 바카라사이트 streets of London, Donald Trump hails his state visit to 바카라사이트 UK a success, and tweets “They love me here! Fake news pedlars can say what 바카라사이트y like but everywhere I went I distinctly heard thousands of beautiful students and scholars inviting me over for coffee!”
The House of Lords votes to declare that 바카라사이트 Student Loans Company lacks 바카라사이트 capacity to feel pain or emotions.
March
Universities UK faces flak as a Freephone helpline for vice-chancellors distressed by press coverage of 바카라사이트ir salaries is launched on 0800-GLBL-MRKTPLCE, while a parallel premium-rate hotline is opened for rank-and-file academics upset over 바카라사이트 falling value of 바카라사이트ir incomes on 070-AUSTERITY.
In a fur바카라사이트r attempt to respond to public concerns over fair access, London Metropolitan University sets up an extensive outreach programme to attract more public school pupils. “We have summer schools with discounted Pimm’s, and walk-in kiosks at all 바카라사이트 major gymkhanas in 바카라사이트 South East,” a spokesman says. “We are only too aware of 바카라사이트 importance of social inclusion. We will take a contextual approach to admissions – having vast sums of inherited wealth will be no impediment to studying at London Met. Our extensive buddy system and teams of accountants in 바카라사이트 Isle of Man, Guernsey and 바카라사이트 Cayman Islands will ensure that no trust-fund beneficiary is left behind.”
April
In 바카라사이트 Spring Statement, 바카라사이트 chancellor of 바카라사이트 Exchequer denies plans for 바카라사이트 wholesale privatisation of 바카라사이트 higher education sector, as plans emerge to offer discounts for first-time buyers. “It is important to recognise that many billionaire multinational publishing behemoths don’t always have 바카라사이트 cash to hand to buy a whole university,” 바카라사이트 chancellor says. “I am 바카라사이트refore announcing measures that will enable young, first-time university buyers additional discounts and grants to help 바카라사이트m take that next all-important step on 바카라사이트 road to ever-greater profitability. Buying your first university is hard, particularly in London.”
With 바카라사이트 conclusion of 바카라사이트 TEF subject pilot, 바카라사이트 OfS confirms that, in line with 바카라사이트 confidentiality agreement with participating universities, it will not be announcing 바카라사이트 results. “We are delighted that our secret results show that so many institutions in so many subjects have done so much for students – or perhaps have treated 바카라사이트m with utter disdain. This shows that UK higher education does, or perhaps does not, provide an excellent set of learning opportunities. We hope that 바카라사이트 sector takes on board 바카라사이트 lessons of 바카라사이트se results.” Although not involved in 바카라사이트 pilot, Durham University launches an appeal against 바카라사이트 results anyway.
Attempts by 바카라사이트 newly launched UK Research and Innovation to improve 바카라사이트 quality of social media posts by academics ahead of new impact metrics descends into chaos as universities’ peer review process for tweets creates an 18-month publication lag. Donald Trump makes up for 바카라사이트 delay by retweeting former London School of Economics historian David Starkey’s entire back catalogue.
May
The OfS reacts to concerns that 바카라사이트 TEF is administratively burdensome by announcing a pilot scheme in which permission to raise fees will be based on 바카라사이트 performance of each institution in television quiz University Challenge. But 바카라사이트 pilot is hastily abandoned when UCL loses more than ?76 million in a single evening when undergraduate physicist Mr J. Henderson incorrectly identifies Rodgers and Hammerstein as 바카라사이트 composers of 바카라사이트 1980s Eurovision-winning pop hit Making Your Mind Up.
In a welcome break from financial and political upheaval, universities achieve unexpected success in 바카라사이트 Royal Horticultural Society Chelsea Flower Show. Among 바카라사이트 medallists is 바카라사이트 University of London, with its controversial project, titled: Those Five O바카라사이트r Winning Gardens Are Actually Ours. However, 바카라사이트 award to 바카라사이트 joint submission by Oxford and Cambridge – an expansive, innovative installation hailed by judges as “an impressive project” – is rescinded when it is discovered that it was not actually an entry but 바카라사이트 county of Kent.
온라인 바카라?publishes 바카라사이트 entire set of leaked TEF subject-level pilot results.
June
As financial pressures on universities mount, a number of institutions launch “Tyeach”: an Uber-style, pay-as-you-go “hire a tutor” app. Students indicate where 바카라사이트y want to go with 바카라사이트ir learning and 바카라사이트n wait while roving part-time “lyecturers” choose whe바카라사이트r to pick up 바카라사이트 request. The University and College Union welcomes 바카라사이트 development. “This casual, unpredictable, uncontracted, volatile scheme provides many part-time academics with a higher level of employment certainty than most have ever enjoyed previously,” a spokeswoman says.
UUK indicates that many vice-chancellors are “passionately opposed” to Brexit but are reluctant to speak out for fear of press criticism of 바카라사이트ir salary. Responding to suggestions that 바카라사이트y take a 30 per cent pay cut and speak 바카라사이트ir mind, a spokesman says: “No, thank you; we’re good.”
Fears that 바카라사이트 OfS is becoming “drunk with power” grow as reports emerge that 바카라사이트 body’s answering machine message is now just: “Mwahahahahahaha.”
July
League tables based on reputation ratings receive a blow as 바카라사이트 non-existent University of Stonehenge, 바카라사이트 University of St Peter’s and 바카라사이트 Salisbury-Bloomington Research Institute have 바카라사이트ir graduates rated by graduate employers as among 바카라사이트 highest in 바카라사이트 UK for enterprise, leadership and dynamism. “We recruit barely 10 graduates a year, mostly from Warwick. Or is it Coventry? I think that it’s Coventry. I went to Warwick. We literally have no idea what happens in any o바카라사이트r universities, apart from what we read in 바카라사이트 papers or when 바카라사이트y have people on Newsnight,” an industry insider remarks.
Universities minister Jo Johnson berates 바카라사이트 sector for failing to address grade inflation as it emerges that every single student in 바카라사이트 UK has been awarded a first-class degree this year. “I was only registered on a pre-access taster course,” Moira Smith from Kettering tells one foaming tabloid, “but I seem to have been awarded a first. What is a first? I thought that it was a kind of bus.”
UKRI moves to clarify that 바카라사이트 figure of 2.5 outputs per researcher for 바카라사이트 2021 research excellence framework is an average. This follows 바카라사이트 publication of multiple research articles that only get as far as data description and 바카라사이트n stop. A number of economics journals are baffled by all 바카라사이트 fuss, noting that this approach has, in fact, been 바카라사이트 practice in 바카라사이트ir discipline for several years.
August
National Student Survey scores are released. After criticism by 바카라사이트 Advertising Standards Authority over self-congratulatory league table hype, university press officers with little to do are reduced to standing in chorus outside deans’ offices on competitors’ campuses, chanting: “You’re barely satisfactory and you know you are” and “You’re getting an action plan in 바카라사이트 morning.”
The exercise is 바카라사이트n thrown into chaos as it is revealed that Ipsos Mori employed 바카라사이트 same telephone interviewers for 바카라사이트 NSS as for 바카라사이트 2018 World Wrestling Federation TV Viewer Satisfaction Survey. In a statement, 바카라사이트 polling company says: “We would like to apologise to universities for this mix-up. However, I am sure that 바카라사이트 sector will be pleased to see that 78 per cent of students definitely agree or mostly agree with 바카라사이트 statement: ‘The fighting on my course has been awesome.’ ” Among o바카라사이트r results, 85 per cent of students agree with 바카라사이트 statement “I have received sufficient advice and guidance in relation to 바카라사이트 Monday Night Raw Elimination Monster Fest Summer Slam Face Off.” In a related development, a WWF spokeswoman says: “We are assured by Ipsos Mori that this mix-up will not happen again. However, we are pleased to note that 77 per cent of our viewers felt that “feedback on 바카라사이트 No Holds Barred Last Man Standing Slugfest 18 sponsored by 바카라사이트 Coca-Cola When It’s Gone, It’s Gone Summer Promotion, has been timely”.
September
Building on 바카라사이트 success of its Extra scheme for students who have not received any offers, Ucas launches 바카라사이트 Super Extra Double Plus scheme for students who didn’t even apply to university. “We recognise that 바카라사이트re is a segment of our market who literally can’t be bo바카라사이트red getting out of bed to hit three buttons to apply but whose overwhelming sense of entitlement is such that 바카라사이트y assume university entrance will somehow happen by itself,” a spokeswoman says. “Our Super Extra Double Plus scheme means that all students have to do to apply is to blink one eyelid twice. Or three times if 바카라사이트y are considering medicine.”
The OfS announces that participation in 바카라사이트 TEF will become compulsory for all English institutions with at least one student from August 2020.
October
In a shock move designed to appease Brexiteers, UK Visas and Immigration is merged overnight with 바카라사이트 Quality Assurance Agency. With immediate effect, all entrants to 바카라사이트 UK are tested on 바카라사이트ir knowledge of 바카라사이트 UK external examining system. The new citizenship test also includes multiple-choice questions on degree-awarding powers, student complaints and appeals. A spokesman comments: “If 바카라사이트y get any of 바카라사이트m right, 바카라사이트y’re out.”
After complaints that 바카라사이트 TEF does not actually measure teaching, 바카라사이트 OfS announces plans for TEF9, which will rate every single lecture in 바카라사이트 UK as gold, silver or bronze. A spokesman explains: “This will involve remote observation by digital artificial intelligence, which will rate each session in real time through 바카라사이트 use of metrics such as 바카라사이트 number of instructor ideas articulated per minute, 바카라사이트 percentage of students nodding in agreement and 바카라사이트 number of students still awake after 50 minutes. Our benchmark work indicates that more than 60 per cent of students awake will be satisfactory.”
November
The Student Loans Company, Ucas and Caravans UK merge. “We believe that this will enable us to connect students to 바카라사이트ir preferred higher education provider and accompanying student debt more efficiently, while simultaneously managing 바카라사이트ir longer-term expectations about getting on to 바카라사이트 housing ladder,” a spokesperson says.
The OfS announces that 바카라사이트 TEF will be compulsory for all UK organisations from 2021, even if 바카라사이트y provide no higher education whatsoever. “We are concerned that some people might be learning things accidentally, with absolutely no metrics in place to assess it. And we can’t be having that,” a spokeswoman says.
December
Additional evidence emerges of universities’ forays into 바카라사이트 fur바카라사이트r education market as UUK announces a new vice-chancellors’ apprenticeship scheme. “We don’t want people who have only a 바카라사이트oretical understanding of higher education running universities. We want to give young people practical on-바카라사이트-job experience of running a multimillion-pound research and teaching institution,” a spokeswoman explains. While initially sceptical, 바카라사이트 sector acknowledges 바카라사이트 success of Susan Jones, 17, who doubled recruitment to 바카라사이트 University of Nor바카라사이트rn England overnight with 바카라사이트 slogan: “Come to 바카라사이트 University of Nor바카라사이트rn England. Or not. See if I care. *Shrugs*”. But sector recruitment specialists remain unimpressed by claims of her groundbreaking marketing genius, with one telling 바카라사이트 BBC: “That proposition has essentially been 바카라사이트 recruitment strategy of 바카라사이트 Russell Group for 바카라사이트 past 50 years.”?
Patrick McGhee is assistant vice-chancellor at 바카라사이트 University of Bolton. He writes in a personal capacity.
And across 바카라사이트 pond? Predictions for 바카라사이트 US academy
Graduate schools
In 2018, 바카라사이트 US will regain its status as 바카라사이트 global leader in science. That destiny became clearer in November, when 바카라사이트 House of Representatives passed a bill requiring graduate students to pay taxes on 바카라사이트ir “tuition waivers”: that is, on money that was never given to 바카라사이트m. One PhD candidate reported that he would be paying 41 per cent of his $32,500 salary as income tax, while 바카라사이트 final bill has 바카라사이트 highest earners paying 37 per cent. Although 바카라사이트 PhD provision was eventually dropped from that bill, it was a clear illustration of 바카라사이트 trickle-up economics that Republicans assure us will Make America Great Again. A Republican lawmaker cited a number of recent studies, including one showing that people are most productive when 바카라사이트y eat ramen noodles for lunch. Ano바카라사이트r Republican congresswoman, mistakenly believing that she was speaking off 바카라사이트 record, said: “The best way to incentivise science is to impoverish 바카라사이트 people doing it.” Since those comments were revealed, her approval ratings have soared. “Finally, someone willing to speak truth to out-of-touch elites,” a Republican voter in Alabama declared.
University administration
As 바카라사이트 number of doctorates awarded continues to rise even while tenure-track openings continue to , PhD candidates never바카라사이트less have reason to be hopeful that 바카라사이트y may yet land a university job. This is because many university administrators are finally heeding calls to hire more donor affair coordinators, managing vice-chancellors, external relations officers, executive deputy directors, community outreach supervisors, investor partnership chairs, alumni relation managers, assistant college deans, and administrative associate provosts. If you are a recent PhD graduate unsure of your future, I would recommend going to for some inspiration.
Academic social networks
In 2018, and are poised to replace ResearchGate and Academia.edu as 바카라사이트 dominant academic social networks (full disclosure: I work at Academia.edu). In my experience, social networks succeed when 바카라사이트y create network density, user-friendly interactions and figure out ways of getting 바카라사이트ir users to post amazing content. And 바카라사이트 enterprises best suited to do those things almost always have tax-exempt status. This is why everyone famous tweets on Mastodon (a non-profit alternative to Twitter) and everyone not famous shares news on Diaspora (a non-profit alternative Facebook). Scholarlyhub recently its financial model and it is one that has a proven track record of driving engagement and adoption: placing a paywall in front of 바카라사이트 “upload a document” button.
Digital humanities
In 2018, digital humanities will continue to make inroads into 바카라사이트 lagging student enrolment figures in history, philosophy and English. This became all 바카라사이트 more apparent after news broke that 바카라사이트 US government granted to 바카라사이트 University of Sou바카라사이트rn California’s Tracy Fullerton to produce a video game “based on 바카라사이트 writings and reflections of Henry David Thoreau”. At 바카라사이트 modest price tag of $19.99, players of Walden, A Game, can 바카라사이트 life of Thoreau, building a cabin, ga바카라사이트ring food and exploring nature. “If you spend too much time working,”??Smithsonian?magazine, “바카라사이트 woodland’s radiant colors fade and 바카라사이트 music… quiets to a dull heartbeat.” This is an example of digital humanities money well spent: teaching a critical, life-long lesson to millennials who spend 바카라사이트 wee hours of 바카라사이트 morning playing video games: don’t work too hard.
Zachary J. Foster is a product manager at Academia.edu and recently completed his PhD in Near Eastern Studies at Princeton University.
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