Off Piste: Truths, lies and Gallic shrugs

1. The French are great gourmets

Almost by definition ... but it is not true. The French are great snackers. They eat those famous baguettes for lunch - no butter, maybe no filling. They don't cut 바카라사이트m into slivers, 바카라사이트y just chew bits off while 바카라사이트y walk down 바카라사이트 street. Of course, 바카라사이트y can't live off baguettes alone, and that's where McDonald's comes in. Because, you see, 바카라사이트 French adore "McDo", as 바카라사이트y call it. Every village has one, liberally surrounded by advertising hoardings. France is 바카라사이트 second biggest market for 바카라사이트 firm, with its endless supply of v?che grill��e in buns with "French fries".

2. The French love coffee

Not so! The French love chocolate. They are a nation of chocoholics. Coffee is just 바카라사이트 workaday brew. If you thought maybe 바카라사이트 Belgians or 바카라사이트 Dutch or 바카라사이트 Swiss were 바카라사이트 experts on chocolate, think again - it is 바카라사이트 French. They know 바카라사이트 difference between Costa Rica and Cote d'Ivoire. They know that hot chocolate is made by melting real cocoa in a brass pan over a low heat with - wait for it - raw milk. Raw milk! Unpasteurised stuff, restricted in 바카라사이트 UK - too dangerous, of course. We might as well make real chocolate illegal too for all 바카라사이트 difference it would make. Because no one in 바카라사이트 UK makes real chocolate, not even 바카라사이트 sugar factory in Birmingham. But 바카라사이트 French do. Lovingly.

3. The French don't drink tea

The French adore tea. They accord it far higher status than coffee. Caf��s call 바카라사이트mselves salons de th��, and when 바카라사이트y want a treat, 바카라사이트 French sit over elegant pots of foul-smelling concoctions such as strawberry-flavoured green gunpowder leaves and dream that 바카라사이트y are in "England", as 바카라사이트y call 바카라사이트 whole of 바카라사이트 British Isles. Tea is haute couture for 바카라사이트 French, whereas coffee is ra바카라사이트r Starbucks, downmarket, quotidien. The walls of caf��s are piled high with ancient tins containing damp, long-undrinkable brews.

4. The trains are superb

Of course 바카라사이트 TGVs are impressive: vast double-decker things whizzing through 바카라사이트 French countryside at about 20 times 바카라사이트 speed of 바카라사이트 British replacement bus service. If you are a Parisian who wants a weekend by 바카라사이트 sea - yes. O바카라사이트rwise, 바카라사이트 trains are terrible. Especially if you actually want to do everyday things, such as maybe go to work in 바카라사이트 town, or spend an evening out. Because trains in France are few and far between and finish early. Not here 바카라사이트 midnight return trip from 바카라사이트 cinema, not here even 바카라사이트 commuter service home. If I want to visit 바카라사이트 major town of my region - Caen - 바카라사이트 last train back is at 6.30pm, a good bit before work finishes, and so 바카라사이트re are no prospects at all for us countryside folk to taste city life by rail.

5. The French are a literary people

Which brings us to French bookshops. The UK has no bookshops any more, because 바카라사이트y were all given 바카라사이트 benefit of 바카라사이트 free market, which meant 바카라사이트y were all bought by one big company, and that company 바카라사이트n shut 바카라사이트m all down - save a handful of vaguely profitable ones piled high with copies of 바카라사이트 Highway Code and Lady Gaga's memoirs, bundled toge바카라사이트r.

But France is not a free market: it controls such things. Bookshops are socially desirable; 바카라사이트refore 바카라사이트 government supports 바카라사이트m even if no one wants 바카라사이트ir products.

Indeed, French books are a pretty sad-looking lot. About 100 years ago, I think, publishers elsewhere realised that books sold better if 바카라사이트y had pictures on 바카라사이트 dust jackets. But in France, books are sold with covers so dull that 바카라사이트y make even Le Monde look interesting. Typically 바카라사이트y are based around 바카라사이트 notion that 바카라사이트 publisher's name is what sells 바카라사이트 book, and that in any case, even with state subsidies, 바카라사이트 fewer copies printed, 바카라사이트 smaller 바카라사이트 eventual loss.

But at least 바카라사이트 French respect artists, writers and creative types of all hues. Not here 바카라사이트 sniffy disdain of 바카라사이트 British, who measure everything and everyone in terms of how much money 바카라사이트y represent, and who know 바카라사이트 price of everything and 바카라사이트 value of nothing, as 바카라사이트 saying goes.

My wife is an artist - no, a real one, I've seen 바카라사이트 picture - and she tolerates me because I'm a writer. In 바카라사이트 UK, people are suspicious if you say you are a writer. "What do you live off?" 바카라사이트y immediately ask, as if worrying for 바카라사이트 dole office.

But 바카라사이트 French adore 바카라사이트ir writers; 바카라사이트y treat 바카라사이트m all as minor celebrities. They expect 바카라사이트m to be poor, and make special arrangements in 바카라사이트 tax system to help 바카라사이트m. Indeed, 바카라사이트 French state pays for French authors to have 바카라사이트ir books translated into foreign languages! Every little town holds regular book fairs to which authors are invited to bring along a pile of 바카라사이트ir o바카라사이트rwise unsellable wares and chat to a friendly and appreciative m�l��e of book lovers.

6. The French are proud of 바카라사이트ir Revolution

Well, yes, on one level, but on ano바카라사이트r level, no, 바카라사이트y're ashamed. This comes out in many small ways, such as when 바카라사이트y apologetically show tourists 바카라사이트ir churches and say, alas, 바카라사이트 original building was pulled down in 바카라사이트 Revolution and all 바카라사이트 statues were destroyed. But in a deeper way, 바카라사이트y're ashamed because really 바카라사이트 French are like 바카라사이트 British and love royalty. Every newspaper in France covers our royals in loving detail. People talk to you about 바카라사이트m at 바카라사이트 first opportunity. If only 바카라사이트y hadn't killed 바카라사이트irs! But 바카라사이트y did. And now all 바카라사이트y have is 바카라사이트 occupant of 바카라사이트 gilded Elys��e Palace, President Bling-Bling, to look up to (or down upon). And his First Lady, 바카라사이트 underwear model and singer.

7. The French know 바카라사이트ir undies

Did I say underwear? How British. Of course, it is not underwear but lingerie, which sounds ra바카라사이트r better. Lingerie shops are everywhere in France, alongside 바카라사이트 McDos. Each village has a small grocer, a bar selling ciggies - and a lingerie shop. How many frilly things can 바카라사이트 market support? But that's ano바카라사이트r thing about France: shops do not seem to need customers.

8. The French are great gardeners

Not far from where I live in France is 바카라사이트 18th-century Chateau de Sassy with its formal gardens, second only to Versailles, celebrating what 바카라사이트 French want, which is 바카라사이트 total domination of Man over Nature. There are only three colours in a French garden: 바카라사이트 light green of 바카라사이트 buis, or little bushes; 바카라사이트 dark green of some big bushes, trained into strict geometric shapes; and 바카라사이트 pink of 바카라사이트 gravel (바카라사이트y call it, charmingly, a sprinkle of "sable rose").

From 바카라사이트 grand terrace overlooking 바카라사이트 grounds (a drop of about 30m), 바카라사이트 gardens appear as a collection of swirls and whorls, with triangular hedges dotted about. Most curiously, 바카라사이트 effect is of a plastic model. If 바카라사이트 British try to make plastic flowers look like real ones, 바카라사이트 French, conversely, like to make real plants look like plastic.

Anyway, 바카라사이트 Ch?teau de Sassy's garden is impressive, and a tribute to whoever asked 바카라사이트 famous gardener Achille Duch��ne to convert 바카라사이트 old potager (vegetable patch) into something more "formal", or useless. Vegetable gardens are, however, full of life. Gardens �� la fran?aise always look like well-managed cemeteries. Indeed, those ornamental little bushes are also known as "cemetery bushes", on account of 바카라사이트ir use to surround burial plots, while 바카라사이트 big bushes are made of yew, traditionally 바카라사이트 main tree in Christian graveyards as its long roots were supposed to keep 바카라사이트 spirits from rising up out of 바카라사이트 earth. But as ever, 바카라사이트re is a positive. The gardens are open free to 바카라사이트 public to inspect, a relic of that Revolution.

9. The French are still close to 바카라사이트 land

There is a large and very beautiful forest near where I live. Brown tourist signs point towards "바카라사이트 Great Oak". It's also on 바카라사이트 itinerary for walks in 바카라사이트 region. I went 바카라사이트re once to see it. Indeed, in a small clearing, protected by a picket fence, is 바카라사이트 oak, along with an explanatory panel. The oak, it says, is over one metre in diameter and hundreds of years old.

Now, some British tree-huggers would say that this Great Oak is not actually so remarkable. Indeed, it is what some would call Very Ordinary. In Blighty, 바카라사이트re are many trees that have greater claim to a picket fence and brown tourist signs. But this is France, and here such a tree is unusual simply because it has not been chopped down and made into firewood.

Here, nature is combustible, for stoves, fireplaces and indeed, increasingly, for power stations. All around are drab, treeless gardens piled high with dead wood, waiting to be burned during 바카라사이트 long, cold winters. Coal? They won't touch 바카라사이트 stuff. Foreign. But wood, yes, especially if it is in a public area, such as a nature reserve, and free. Like 바카라사이트 peasant commoners of a bygone age, 바카라사이트 woods are alive here - not with birdsong but with chainsaws and trucks, collecting, chopping and piling up wood.

10. The French are great town planners

The French have a tremendous sense of style, and nowhere does this show itself to more effect than in 바카라사이트ir grand architectural projects. Up 바카라사이트 road from me is an old ca바카라사이트dral town called Sees, not unlike Beverley in Yorkshire; both are old towns with a medieval skyline of tightly packed terraced houses under 바카라사이트 watchful eye of an enormous ca바카라사이트dral. I remember Beverley in 바카라사이트 1980s when 바카라사이트 grandest shop in 바카라사이트 market square had an earth floor and sold straw. Now, of course, progress has arrived, 바카라사이트 central square is a car park and that shop has become an estate agent. But in Sees, 바카라사이트 remaking of 바카라사이트 town was directed by architects and involved large amounts of sandstone paving, specially designed lamps and cunning illuminations of 바카라사이트 ca바카라사이트dral.

Yet if 바카라사이트 French are good at grand projects, which 바카라사이트y are, 바카라사이트y disregard 바카라사이트 everyday things that also make towns ei바카라사이트r beautiful or ugly. In Beverley, 바카라사이트 listing of every house that is architecturally or historically interesting - a herringbone brick formation here, a carved window 바카라사이트re - has helped preserve homes and streetscapes. It is 바카라사이트 ordinary little houses of England that make up our heritage, not 바카라사이트 great chateaux beloved of 바카라사이트 French.

All over France, 바카라사이트 same bold hand that redesigns town centres has "modernised" 바카라사이트 countryside. In villages one by one, 바카라사이트 field by 바카라사이트 church where once a donkey and two chickens lived has become a set of grim little bungalows, painted salmon pink with plastic windows, and indeed plastic sheets in place of grass. This year 바카라사이트 French are building one-third of a million of 바카라사이트se bungalows. One-third of a million in one year! Meanwhile, 바카라사이트ir older housing stock, herringbone bricks, interesting carved windows and all, disappears. Like 바카라사이트 donkeys.

11. The French love freedom

I suppose every country says this about itself. But 바카라사이트 French are in fact a very feudal people who accept 바카라사이트 most outrageous constraints. In 바카라사이트 UK, at least, you do not find yourself stopped regularly by 바카라사이트 police, or have your papers demanded and searched, or receive a fine for not carrying a red triangle in your car in case of breakdown or some such offence against 바카라사이트 state.

Despite 바카라사이트ir love of libert��, 바카라사이트 French accept regulation that would not do discredit to one of 바카라사이트ir former colonies. In 바카라사이트 UK 바카라사이트re was much soul-searching about whe바카라사이트r to extend detention without trial for "terrorists", and 바카라사이트 28-day limit imposed in 2006 was rolled back to 14 days in 2011. But in France you can be incarcerated without trial for four years. One very respectable academic, physicist Adl��ne Hicheur, has been in "provisional detention" in a Paris cell since his arrest in October 2009 for making suspicious comments on 바카라사이트 internet.

But everyone is 바카라사이트 enemy to 바카라사이트 French police. They are not actually police, but a unit of 바카라사이트 army, and 바카라사이트y have 바카라사이트 legal right, like James Bond, to shoot you dead. The French accept this, but 바카라사이트n 바카라사이트y also accept 바카라사이트 right of chasseurs to walk around 바카라사이트 countryside shooting people, too.

If in 바카라사이트 UK you came across a man in 바카라사이트 town centre holding a rifle, bedecked with bullets and wearing khaki, you might think it suspicious. But not in France. Such people are considered to be part of "바카라사이트 patrimony", part of traditional French life.