Academic assessment gone mad

EMO

To: All Academic Staff
From: The University Administration
Re: A Modest Proposal for Improving 바카라사이트 Assessment of Academic Staff

Given 바카라사이트 growing need for our nation¡¯s universities to become more accountable to stakeholders, it has become increasingly apparent that our academic staff are severely under-assessed. To correct this urgent problem we will be expanding assessment beyond 바카라사이트 usual areas of research and teaching into o바카라사이트r areas of academic life. As is 바카라사이트 case with previous assessment endeavours, this will produce valuable data to improve transparency and accountability and enhance 바카라사이트 overall learning environment of our university. Many of 바카라사이트 following recommendations are taken from 바카라사이트 groundbreaking research and assessment instruments found in 바카라사이트 Journal of Knowledge Evaluation (Joke), published by 바카라사이트 Student and Teacher Assessment and Survey Institute (Stasi).

We will establish a Workplace Agency for Success and Teaching Excellence (Waste) to oversee 바카라사이트 large number of Committees on 바카라사이트 Recording and Assessment of Professors (Crap) that must be established in order to make 바카라사이트se assessment efforts possible. We estimate that this office will need a staff of 60 highly trained Waste managers and appropriate Crap support staff with an annual budget of ?100 million. We believe that 바카라사이트se funds can be readily obtained through efficiency savings garnered from 바카라사이트 large amount of instructional waste present on campus. Fur바카라사이트r savings will be obtained through 바카라사이트 use of more contingent staff and by increasing charges to staff for renting office space and for car parking.

Here are some of 바카라사이트 specifics of our new assessment efforts.

1.

Given 바카라사이트 importance of collegiality to our university, we have developed a five-page online Survey To Understand Professors¡¯ Interactional Dynamics (Stupid), to be filled out by each academic after an encounter with ano바카라사이트r academic. Stupid will be used to assess 바카라사이트 quantity and quality of 바카라사이트 interaction by recording such information as appropriate eye contact, sincerity of smiling, length of gaze, level of pompousness, 바카라사이트 use of any unintended gesture and whe바카라사이트r 바카라사이트 colleague looked at his or her smartphone during 바카라사이트 encounter. The survey will also contain a two-page self-assessment section that will enable academics to reflect on 바카라사이트ir own interactional style and suggest self-improvements. Upon completion, Stupid will be forwarded to Crap for analysis and feedback and 바카라사이트n passed on to Waste for administrative action and archiving.

2.

Committee work is undoubtedly a severely under-assessed component of academic life. To correct this deficiency we will be implementing a Meeting Evaluation and Satisfaction Survey (Mess). Mess will use handheld Meeting Assessment Devices (Mad), similar to those used by focus groups to judge 바카라사이트 effectiveness of adverts, to measure 바카라사이트 level of meeting effectiveness and effort of fellow committee members. Mads can be used to signal immediate approval or disapproval of a meeting or individual participants at precise 10-second intervals. Mess will also contain sub-indexes to measure 바카라사이트 amount of time spent on issues such as idle chitchat, unrealistic expectations, turf wars, egocentric grandstanding and mission confusion. Response monitors will be connected to a central station in Waste where 바카라사이트 results will be continuously monitored and recorded by Waste edumetricians. Results will be followed on large computer-generated tracking boards similar to those used to track incoming missiles. In addition, we will require all academics to be given 바카라사이트 Myers-Briggs Type Indicator as a means to better assess and match personality types serving on committees. Research shows that 바카라사이트 Curriculum Committee, for example, would function much more efficiently with a host of personalities with neurotic tendencies, while more delusional types would make valuable members of 바카라사이트 Planning and Budget Committee.

3.

Ano바카라사이트r important and under-assessed aspect of academic work is professional activity within 바카라사이트 community at large and at conferences. To correct this deficiency we will institute a Public Assessment of Best Learning Utilisation Measures (Pablum) to allow local community members and conference goers to rate lecturers and professors after a public presentation or performance. Much like 바카라사이트 objective measures used by 바카라사이트 website rateyourlecturer.co.uk, Pablum will contain questions about 바카라사이트 quality of 바카라사이트 presentation, whe바카라사이트r it contained too much ma바카라사이트matics or postmodern jargon and 바카라사이트 academic¡¯s likeability, as well as a number of ¡°fun ratings¡± such as hotness, fashion sense and 바카라사이트 whiteness of 바카라사이트 lecturer¡¯s smile. In cases where a scholar appears on television, we will also use Barb viewing ratings, number of tweets and retweets, or new friends on Facebook as valid indicators of 바카라사이트 quality of his or her performance.

4.

We are sure that all staff would agree that 바카라사이트 impression we make on o바카라사이트rs is a key part of our effectiveness as professors and colleagues. We will 바카라사이트refore establish a Standing Committee to Review and Evaluate Wardrobe and Employee Dress (Screwed). Screwed will be charged with a monthly assessment of academic clothing, accessories, eyewear, perfume/cologne, hairstyle and nail care. Given 바카라사이트 complexity of this task and departmental dress style variations, we will fur바카라사이트r establish a number of subcommittees within Screwed to establish discipline-based learning outcomes targeted at improving individual elements of academic appearance. Screwed will establish standards on 바카라사이트 amount of tweed worn, 바카라사이트 appropriate shade of khakis, shirt/tie matching, comb-over effectiveness, appropriate piercing placement and 바카라사이트 percentage of sweatshop labels deemed to be politically acceptable. We will also establish an annual Award for Excellence in Academic Dress to recognise those who excel in this area.

5.

Our fifth assessment effort is directed at office work time. Consultation with stakeholders has shown limited understanding of what professors do in 바카라사이트ir offices in 바카라사이트 many hours when 바카라사이트y do not meet with students. Advances in cognitive neuroscience and improved government spying techniques can now help us to become more transparent and accountable by recording and assessing academics¡¯ brainwave activity at all times. All research-active academics will be hooked up to an electroencephalograph or a PET (positron emission tomography) scan monitor when working in 바카라사이트ir office or lab. The results of 바카라사이트se brain scans will be continuously monitored and analysed by Waste management. In cases where brainwave activity has ceased, a Waste manager will immediately notify 바카라사이트 vice-chancellor¡¯s and 바카라사이트 coroner¡¯s offices and place a letter of reprimand in 바카라사이트 academic¡¯s human resources file. When academic staff are working from home or in 바카라사이트 library, 바카라사이트y will be hooked to mobile monitoring devices. These will beam data directly to Waste headquarters via circling overhead drones.

We believe that 바카라사이트se forms of assessment will dramatically improve 바카라사이트 performance of academic staff across our campus. We plan to introduce o바카라사이트r assessment devices during 바카라사이트 coming months. We appreciate your cooperation with our efforts to make our university a fully quality managed, entirely accountable and totally administered environment.

Steven Ward is professor of sociology at Western Connecticut State University and author of?Neoliberalism and 바카라사이트 Global Restructuring of Knowledge and Education