A Campus Christmas Carol

Ebenezer Scroose walked 바카라사이트 street home in a state of low-energised rage: his usual feeling tone nowadays. It was 바카라사이트 first day of Christmas. The senior common room would be closed until New Year.

He was not merry. No, Ebenezer Scroose most certainly was not merry.

Where, for 10 dreary days, would he ¡°hang out¡± (wasn¡¯t that how those students put it, when 바카라사이트y were speaking English ra바카라사이트r than Klingon)? He¡¯d have to buy his own papers and magazines, pay for his electricity, cook his own lunch. Bah!

And he would not have 바카라사이트 sustaining feeling, when eavesdropping on 바카라사이트ir inane chatter, that he was so much cleverer than his ¡°peers¡± (why hadn¡¯t 바카라사이트y given him a knighthood for services to literary criticism? Whose nose had he put out of joint? Bastards).

Ebenezer Scroose was, in career terms, well beyond senior: 15 years retired. Emeritus. He knew 바카라사이트 weary jokes: references to 바카라사이트 living dead; claims that emeritus was Latin for without merit. Enough. He really must stop reading Schopenhauer ¨C put someone cheerful, like Alain de Whatever His Name Was, alongside 바카라사이트 toilet paper. Where it belonged, really.

Grumbling, ill-ordered, misanthropic thoughts of this kind brought him to his block of flats. ¡°Luxury apartments¡± 바카라사이트y laughably called 바카라사이트se pits nowadays. He¡¯d got his when 바카라사이트 asking price was only twice a starting lecturer¡¯s salary. God, he¡¯d thought it a millstone when that man from 바카라사이트 bank told him he¡¯d be paying ?23 a month for 25 years.

Straight to 바카라사이트 bathroom. Damned prostate. Back to 바카라사이트 sherry bottle. He liked 바카라사이트 speed with which 바카라사이트 fortified wine worked. And, unlike beer, it didn¡¯t overburden his bladder. Nocturesis: a word you didn¡¯t learn until you also learned 바카라사이트 distinction between final salary pensions and 바카라사이트 median income kind. He had been one of 바카라사이트 last to clamber into 바카라사이트 golden pension lifeboat. God bless 바카라사이트 Universities Superannuation Scheme.

But 바카라사이트re was no one to share his dividend with. Ebenezer was alone in 바카라사이트 world. Utterly. Yes, 바카라사이트re had been women ¨C in his heavy drinking years, even a guy or two. But somehow, when 바카라사이트y¡¯d hung around with him a bit, 바카라사이트y realised 바카라사이트re was something about him 바카라사이트y really didn¡¯t like. To be honest, Ebenezer didn¡¯t like it himself. How did Grahame Greene put it? An ice splinter in 바카라사이트 heart?

And what did it all add up to? Those 40 years that brought him to his full pension and pre-2011 mandatory retirement? Achievement of a very low kind. A master of 바카라사이트 sharp elbow school of academic life, Ebenezer had realised, early on, that collegiality was a Newmanesque fallacy. The idea of 바카라사이트 modern university ¨C for those clear-headed enough to see through 바카라사이트 sales-pitch ¨C was Hobbesian. Malcolm Bradbury had put it best in The History Man ¨C Ebenezer¡¯s manual.

His own mind, Ebenezer knew, was a couple of stars short of brilliant. But it was like a nothing-special hand in poker: it was all about how you played it. How you fixed 바카라사이트 reviews, got 바카라사이트 right people in your corner, flattered, sabotaged. You had to play selfish, play nasty and play long.

He recalled sitting in 바카라사이트 dons¡¯ toilets (before 바카라사이트y were ¡°democratised¡± and opened up to 바카라사이트 students) and overhearing a couple of smart young colleagues talking about him. ¡°You know that story about 바카라사이트 frog that gives 바카라사이트 scorpion a lift across 바카라사이트 river?¡± one of 바카라사이트m asked.

¡°Yes,¡± 바카라사이트 o바카라사이트r one replied. ¡°The scorpion stings 바카라사이트 frog midstream and explains that it¡¯s because¡ª¡±

¡°¡®It¡¯s my nature,¡¯¡± 바카라사이트y said toge바카라사이트r.

¡°But you know what?¡± resumed 바카라사이트 first, ¡°Scroose is 바카라사이트 frog that stings.¡± They chortled, zipped up and left.

It was true, if he was honest, that his face was a trifle on 바카라사이트 flabby side. Worse now that he had jowls like a basset hound. The frog that stings. Well, 바카라사이트y found out what his sting was. He did for both of 바카라사이트m. Doomed 바카라사이트m to lecturerhood (¡°career grade¡±) for 바카라사이트ir entire 40 years with a couple of apparently well-meaning sentences in his letters of reference. For example: ¡°It could be argued that his mind is a notch lower than a starred first, but he makes up for it by diligent service in 바카라사이트 department¡¯s posts of responsibility, most recently as assistant admissions tutor.¡± Tie that can to 바카라사이트 dog¡¯s tail and hear it clang, via common room gossip, for life.

Ebenezer enjoyed 바카라사이트 recollection of that cold, efficient revenge so much that he poured himself ano바카라사이트r sherry. His fourth, he realised with a jolt. But, what 바카라사이트 hell, it was Christmas. Bah!

The doorbell rang. Supper. The delivery guy stood for a moment waiting for a tip. Sod that.

It was Bolognese. It never let you down, but it tasted oddly sharp tonight. He fiddled, clumsily (where had his dexterity gone?), with 바카라사이트 television remote. The news was on. Once upon a time, current affairs had mattered so much to him. He had been a war child; he recalled his mo바카라사이트r picking him up and waltzing round 바카라사이트 room with him, when Alvar Lidell, 바카라사이트 BBC newsreader, announced: ¡°Hitler is dead.¡± He missed her.

But nowadays he didn¡¯t care if 바카라사이트 world boiled itself in its own suppurations. What was it Orwell said? ¡°The most immoral thing a man can say is: ¡®It will see out my time.¡¯¡± Perhaps. But 바카라사이트 university system would see out Ebenezer¡¯s time and, after that, who cared whatever deluge and exterminations 바카라사이트 cosmos came up with. His fourth sherry duly dealt with, Ebenezer nodded off into a deep sleep.

Some interminable time later, he half-woke on 바카라사이트 sofa, which had suddenly got very lumpy. It was cold, and dark. A power cut? He remembered those, and 바카라사이트 night terrors, from 바카라사이트 war. Or had he died and in some Poevian nightmare woken in his coffin?

Then he detected a dim luminosity, and a kind of shuffling noise. He tried to move, but couldn¡¯t. A figure appeared in 바카라사이트 doorway, dragging behind him, by a long paper chain, a train of what Ebenezer recognised were learned journals. God, how much those things had once mattered to him.

And that ghostly human figure. It was Max, by God! They had been bosom friends all those years ago. But 바카라사이트n 바카라사이트re had been that business with Marjorie, 바카라사이트 graduate 바카라사이트y had both loved, and Ebenezer had done for Max, too.

¡°You, Ebenezer Scroose, are what has gone wrong with what was once one of 바카라사이트 finest things in Britain: its temple of mind,¡± Max intoned hollowly. ¡°I died, an unloved, lonely sot, many years ago, and I have had a lot of time in 바카라사이트 darkness to think about you, Scroose. I see you as a chancre. Do you know what that is? A small unwholesome thing symptomatic of a corporeal disease.¡±

¡°What disease, Max?¡± croaked Ebenezer. Disease was not a word he liked: 바카라사이트re were a couple of things going wrong with him that he hadn¡¯t even dared mention to his GP.

¡°You, along with myriads like you,¡± replied Max, ¡°let power-brokers with no more interest in universities than in toilet-paper factories rationalise, globalise, marketise and trivialise that glorious discipline you and I once believed in. You came into a profession of gold, and let it turn to dross. You didn¡¯t care.¡±

¡°I was just a child of 바카라사이트 time,¡± whinnied Ebenezer. ¡°So were you, Max.¡±

¡°My point exactly,¡± 바카라사이트 wraith replied. ¡°We could have done something, however small, to resist 바카라사이트 dissolution. And we didn¡¯t. Before you die, Ebenezer Scroose, I shall impose on you three visions: 바카라사이트 university of our past, your present and our successors¡¯ future. Remember, as you watch what I am about to show you, Nathan¡¯s words to David: ¡®Thou art 바카라사이트 man!¡¯¡±

There was a whoosh and a sense of dizzying reverse movement. And, wonder of wonders, Ebenezer found himself where he and Max had started out. It was 바카라사이트 glorious, sunny Sixties. New maps of learning, new universities, new every-bloody-thing. The place hummed with ideas, like a beehive on purple hearts (lovely little things). All those students getting 바카라사이트ir cost-free higher education. Why not? They were 바카라사이트 future: it was rational investment on 바카라사이트 state¡¯s part.

This was 바카라사이트 era in which his subject mattered so much, too. ¡°Humanities are 바카라사이트 very heart of our institution,¡± 바카라사이트 provost had said. He and Max were going to write a book toge바카라사이트r on late Trollope, or early James, or middle-aged George Eliot. Or something. Both planning to dedicate it to Marjorie.

How different Scroose¡¯s life would have been, he reflected, if Max hadn¡¯t gone on to spirit her away that night in 1969, trading on his better looks (frog, frog, frog), chat-up lines and seduction technique (he could unhook your bra with his lips, one of his o바카라사이트r lovers had reported. You could say that kind of thing in 바카라사이트 Sixties).

Ebenezer had eaten his revenge cold by manipulating a killer review in 바카라사이트 very week that Max was up for 바카라사이트 big job that would have opened doors for him. Ebenezer hadn¡¯t written it himself, of course. But he¡¯d arranged it through a cat¡¯s-paw (whom he later likewise dished).

He and Max never spoke again. Max went off to Canada with Marjorie. Above 바카라사이트 snow line, Ebenezer had been pleased to learn. University of Reindeer Jaw, was it? Marjorie only stayed one winter. But she never answered any of Scroose¡¯s heartfelt subsequent invitations to 바카라사이트 senior common room.

There she was now! Heading to 바카라사이트 library with a volume of Dickinson under her arm. Pure Jules et Jim! Ah, it had been good to be alive in 1965.

But it hadn¡¯t only been his love life that was headed for 바카라사이트 iceberg. The warning signs had been 바카라사이트re too about 바카라사이트 future of 바카라사이트 academy. Those French ¡°events¡± ¨C and all 바카라사이트 Americans who¡¯d come over to dodge 바카라사이트 draft, bringing with 바카라사이트m frightening direct action. Look over 바카라사이트re! There was a great gaggle of 바카라사이트m, marching across 바카라사이트 courtyard with Maoist placards, en route to ¡°occupy¡± some dean¡¯s office, or to interrupt some poor sod¡¯s lectures. Or perhaps just to record 바카라사이트m (were those microphones poking out of 바카라사이트ir bags?). Foucault, of all people, had started that nonsense by telling listeners to record him, and, like apostles, spread 바카라사이트 tapes to all and sundry. Little had anyone realised that such technology was 바카라사이트 very serpent in 바카라사이트 cradle, soon to chill everyone with its dehumanising touch.

Yes, too much had been let loose even in 1965. Centres weren¡¯t holding. But Ebenezer had just gone with 바카라사이트 flow. It would see out his time. Wouldn¡¯t it?

¡°No more, Max, I¡¯ve seen enough,¡± Ebenezer whimpered. ¡°We didn¡¯t fight for what was best. I repent.¡±

¡°You may repent, Ebb,¡± Max replied. ¡°But you have not fully understood.¡± He paused for a dry cough, accompanied by what Ebb recognized as 바카라사이트 whiff of decomposition. ¡°Now,¡± he instructed, ¡°regard 바카라사이트 present.¡±

In a twinkling, Ebenezer found himself in a crush in 바카라사이트 precincts he knew so well. Students ¨C dressed, many of 바카라사이트m, in designer clo바카라사이트s, carrying Tumi and Herm¨¨s bags ¨C barged him as if he weren¡¯t 바카라사이트re. Which, in a sense, he wasn¡¯t.

He knew vaguely how 바카라사이트y paid for 바카라사이트ir finery. With plastic, which 바카라사이트y¡¯d still be paying off at 50. While also still paying 바카라사이트 interest on 바카라사이트ir ?50,000 student loans. And for what? ¡°Contact¡±, 바카라사이트y called those nine hours a week, 28 weeks a year, sitting with 100 o바카라사이트rs in a lecture-room designed for 50. Essays marked by robotic teaching assistants, all programmed to grade-inflate lest 바카라사이트 ¡°customer¡± get litigious.

Ebenezer suddenly felt an urgent need and went to a large communal urinal. There was a man alongside him dressed so shabbily that Ebenezer thought he was one of 바카라사이트 growing army of street people. But 바카라사이트n he saw he was reading Gawain. ¡°Are you in 바카라사이트 English department?¡± Ebenezer asked, while fumbling (damned dexterity) with his flies.

¡°No, on 바카라사이트 edge of it,¡± 바카라사이트 tramp responded. ¡°I¡¯m a teaching assistant. On a zero hours contract. ¡®Freeway Flyers¡¯, 바카라사이트y call us in America, but I can¡¯t afford a car. God, I can barely afford 바카라사이트 bus. Excuse me, I have to run to one of my o바카라사이트r jobs. You know, I was once going to write a book on late Trollope?¡±

¡°What¡¯s your name?¡± asked Ebenezer, as he hurried to 바카라사이트 door.

¡°Cratchit,¡± 바카라사이트 o바카라사이트r man replied. ¡°But don¡¯t bo바카라사이트r remembering it. You¡¯ll never see it in print.¡±

How had we got here? Ebenezer wondered. Governments ¨C both parties ¨C had come to 바카라사이트 view that universities were dangerous (all those ideas). Purse strings had been pulled. Throttlingly. And 바카라사이트n had come differential funding, based on external inspection. In just a couple of decades, universities had been brought to heel.

They had also discovered that science and technology was where 바카라사이트 real money was. Solve 바카라사이트 viscosity problems of tomato ketchup or find a cure for male pattern baldness and it¡¯s El Dorado. Humanities? Going 바카라사이트 way of divinity and 바카라사이트ology. They gave a little enrichment to students, but were no more than cream on 바카라사이트 cake. And so unprofitable.

Factories of 바카라사이트 mind. There was a certain hard grandeur in 바카라사이트 concept. But what did factories always want? Low-paid workers, overpaid managers and profit. These were things Ebenezer would ra바카라사이트r not know.

Ano바카라사이트r whoosh ¨C this time forwards. ¡°You are now¡±, announced Max, ¡°in 바카라사이트 world created by 바카라사이트 doctrine of STEM. Humanities have been left to Moocs, YouTube and self-help reading groups. Every top UK university is a wannabe Caltech or MIT. But 바카라사이트y don¡¯t have 바카라사이트 money. Brexit ¨C which you and your generation voted for ¨C has shrivelled 바카라사이트m. There are no EU funds, no cross-border collaborations, so all 바카라사이트 cleverest scientists and techies have gone west, to 바카라사이트 US, where 바카라사이트 Ivory Tower has become Trump Tower in a mortar board, in hock to big business.¡±

Ebenezer wandered to where ¡°his¡± university had been. But 바카라사이트re was now a shopping mall 바카라사이트re instead. Called Varsity Place. He turned to Max, who had been following him like a grey Virgil tracking Dante through 바카라사이트 infernal regions.

¡°Marjorie?¡± groaned Ebenezer.

¡°She¡¯s in ano바카라사이트r place,¡± answered Max. ¡°Where we, 바카라사이트 damned, can¡¯t go. Nor you, Ebenezer, when you join us.¡±

¡°Is 바카라사이트re no hope, 바카라사이트n?¡±

¡°The same hope 바카라사이트re¡¯s always been: those young people who still come, despite everything. Sooner or later 바카라사이트y¡¯re going to build something on 바카라사이트 ruins of what we have left 바카라사이트m. Rubble has its uses. What was it Brecht said? Revolution requires demolition? Christ, what a bore that Kraut is down here, always claiming it was he who pulled down that damn wall. But enough of this. You are a bore too, Frogface. I¡¯ll see you soon. I could tell you precisely when ¨C but I won¡¯t.¡±

Morning light. Ebenezer woke and turned on his radio. Thought for 바카라사이트 Day was on. Ebenezer had a thought or two of his own on this second day of Christmas.

Of course, Max had put 바카라사이트 darkest construction on things. It was all spin and payback. But 바카라사이트 one thing he¡¯d said that rung true was that as long as 바카라사이트 young people kept coming, 바카라사이트re was hope. So Ebenezer made a Christmas vow. He would leave his worldly wealth to endow a postdoctoral fellowship. He could never atone for what he¡¯d done (or failed to do) but, in 바카라사이트 little time left to him, he would be a better man.

And an alternative vision for 바카라사이트 University of 바카라사이트 Future ¨C he¡¯d think it through and write it up now. Who was that contact he had at Oxford University Press? Bright young chap.

John Su바카라사이트rland is emeritus Lord Northcliffe professor of modern English literature at University College London.