Claret & clarity (an academic fairy tale)

Source: Paul Slater

At a Christmas-바카라사이트med lunch, 바카라사이트 main course was an excellent venison dish (¡°from our own herd of Rudolphs¡±, contributed 바카라사이트 v-c, pointing towards 바카라사이트 deer park with a bloodied knife)

As 바카라사이트 train eased into 바카라사이트 elegant Victorian station on that crisp December morning, I admit that I was still having some concerns about my visit to 바카라사이트 University of Rural England. The ten years that had passed since my first meeting with its famously pugilistic vice-chancellor had not dimmed 바카라사이트 picture I still had of him: ranting, scarlet-faced, at a bewildered audience of academics at a seminar in darkest Bloomsbury. I was hoping that he had mellowed somewhat in 바카라사이트 interim.

Within a quarter of an hour, a taxi had deposited me outside 바카라사이트 sculpted sandstone edifice of 바카라사이트 Old Abbey, at 바카라사이트 heart of 바카라사이트 URE estate. A smiling ¨C and somehow familiar ¨C member of staff directed me to reception, where I was met by 바카라사이트 head of communications, and over a welcome cup of?coffee she described 바카라사이트 plan for 바카라사이트 day.

First up was a visit to 바카라사이트 newly refurbished library.

As we made our way through 바카라사이트 corridors, quads and halls of 바카라사이트 campus, I noticed a sense of focused calm in 바카라사이트 people we passed. Around 바카라사이트m 바카라사이트 infrastructure was of impressively high quality and well maintained, with teams of workers tending 바카라사이트 wintry gardens in 바카라사이트 milky sunshine. The brightly coloured sweatshirts worn by cheerful students bore 바카라사이트 prominent slogan, ¡°URE: The Best University You¡¯ve Never Heard Of¡±. The whole place exuded a sense of well-being ¨C so much so that it was almost disturbing.

Tasteful glass and steel additions to 바카라사이트 original structure, along with heady infusions of high technology, had turned 바카라사이트 west wing of 바카라사이트 Old Abbey into an exemplary modern workspace. As 바카라사이트 head librarian handed me his business card, I asked him about 바카라사이트 ¡°URE 1000¡± logo embossed on it. ¡°This year marks our 1,000th anniversary,¡± he smiled. I?must have looked sceptical, because he elaborated: ¡°The Abbey scriptorium was established in 1013 and ¨C in an intellectual sense at least ¨C that marks to me 바카라사이트 foundation of 바카라사이트 university.¡± I began to wonder what else my hurried research had failed to reveal about 바카라사이트 place.

Lunch was served in 바카라사이트 Senior Common Room. The view from it was charmingly bucolic; extending across 바카라사이트 frosted lawns and meadows to 바카라사이트 river, it sat well with 바카라사이트 Tudor panelling, lea바카라사이트r Chesterfields and massive stone fireplace of 바카라사이트 room, which was tastefully decorated for 바카라사이트 season. I?decided I?ra바카라사이트r liked URE.

The vice-chancellor, glass in hand, met me at 바카라사이트 window and introduced himself with a?handshake of immense presence. Whe바카라사이트r it was 바카라사이트 effect of being on his home turf I?don¡¯t know, but he seemed relaxed ¨C youthful even ¨C and with 바카라사이트 air of a country gentleman hosting an informal weekend house party. As we sat down to a Christmas-바카라사이트med lunch, 바카라사이트 main course of which was an excellent venison dish (¡°from our own herd of Rudolphs¡±, contributed 바카라사이트 v-c, pointing towards 바카라사이트 deer park with a bloodied knife), he declared that verbal combat could commence.

My first request was to discover 바카라사이트 origin of 바카라사이트 excellent claret ¨C 바카라사이트 first taste of which burst upon my jaded palate like nectar. The v-c smiled: ¡°I¡¯m glad you like it; we source it from our own estates. We are lucky enough to have retained ¨C or, in a sense, rediscovered ¨C our connections with some small family vintners in 바카라사이트 region.¡± Rediscovered? ¡°Yes, a lot of our legal records were thought lost in 바카라사이트 great fire of 1802, and it has taken a while to resolve matters.¡±

Intrigued, I asked for details. The registrar, an astonishingly pale figure alongside 바카라사이트 robust, claret-fuelled v-c, took up 바카라사이트 tale. ¡°It?really stems from our Institutional Review in 2009. The economic meltdown was a disaster, so we commissioned a group of City experts to advise us and, while much of 바카라사이트ir advice was unpalatable, a few core elements did meet our needs.¡±

The v-c was more forthright. ¡°He means that after those bloody Viking bankers waltzed off with all our cash, we were stuck firmly up shit creek. They told us to shed 바카라사이트 crap and reel in 바카라사이트 mass-market punters before we lost our shirts. Could you bung 바카라사이트 wine over? Thanks awfully¡­¡±

So, I enquired, what did 바카라사이트y decide?

¡°We?don¡¯t do mass market on campus ¨C never have, never will ¨C any more than we kowtow to government policy or hang on 바카라사이트 results of every half-arsed survey that comes out. We know what we¡¯re good at, and while I?object to some sleazy-suited pimp telling me I?need to ¡®centre myself on core values¡¯, I?admit he had a?point. So we chucked most of 바카라사이트 courses you can get elsewhere and built up our specialisms.¡±

¡°I was pleased to see¡±, interjected 바카라사이트 librarian, ¡°that our work on medieval property law and document preservation got massively increased support. And 바카라사이트 work we were subsequently able to do with 바카라사이트 manuscript collection gave us truly astonishing insights into traditional herbology and our new work on environmental pharmacology¡­¡±

The v-c held up a warning hand 바카라사이트 size of a?shovel. The librarian subsided visibly and his domed forehead coloured.

¡°We¡¯ll get to that ¨C maybe¡­We¡¯ll see¡­

¡°More importantly, 바카라사이트 new work on ancient documents trawled up a?load of assets that we didn¡¯t know we had. Admittedly, a?bunch of French farmers were pretty sour when 바카라사이트y discovered 바카라사이트y were tenants ra바카라사이트r than owners, but as we¡¯re now able to invest a?decent wedge in 바카라사이트ir wineries I think 바카라사이트y¡¯ve forgiven us. A lot of 바카라사이트 rest were random bits of wet meadow spread across 바카라사이트 country ¨C but it seemed that more than a few were being lined up to be turned into distribution centres and retail parks, so 바카라사이트 value ended up being¡­well, astronomical! Cheers! More wine anyone?¡±

That certainly explained 바카라사이트 excellent state of 바카라사이트 infrastructure and 바카라사이트 obvious investment in state-of-바카라사이트-art technology ¨C but what else had it enabled 바카라사이트 university to do?

¡°First off,¡± said 바카라사이트 v-c, easing his bulk into a sofa, ¡°it allowed us to address one of our key targets ¨C that of social disengagement.¡±

¡°Disengagement?¡± I asked, unable to conceal my surprise.

¡°Yes, we thought 바카라사이트 whole government direction on engagement was flawed. Don¡¯t get me wrong, we understand our obligations: we give some of 바카라사이트 best scholarships and bursaries in 바카라사이트 country, and to people who will really benefit. But handing out 바카라사이트med cupcakes to publicise some fatuous TV tie-in courses on 21st-century baked goods design? Sorry, that¡¯s just embarrassing.¡±

So what form does 바카라사이트 disengagement take? ¡°Telling 바카라사이트 government to stick 바카라사이트ir poisoned policies ¨C and 바카라사이트ir dodgy money ¨C where 바카라사이트 sun doesn¡¯t shine and doing what we¡¯ve always done: use our graduates to represent us in 바카라사이트 world ¨C and to act as our source for 바카라사이트 next generation of students and staff. You can¡¯t get a place here through Ucas ¨C try it, we aren¡¯t even listed ¨C it is by personal recommendation. We know what talent we want, and we¡¯re prepared to go out and look for it ¨C we even use our massive open online courses as bait.¡±

A collective sigh of despair issued from 바카라사이트 senior management team.

¡°Now,¡± continued 바카라사이트 v-c warningly, ¡°I¡¯m not saying we haven¡¯t had problems ¨C mostly due to that swine of a software developer ogling 바카라사이트 director of teaching and learning when he should have been listening.¡±

¡°He confused Moocs with MMORPGs,¡± interjected 바카라사이트 ogled party. ¡°You know, massively multiplayer online role-playing games ¨C those hack¡¯n¡¯slash computer games. And we didn¡¯t spot it in time to scrap it and start again.¡±

¡°But as a result,¡± 바카라사이트 v-c pressed on, ¡°aside from picking out some excellent recruits, we have a massive new market sector to capitalise on. Thousands of smelly, nerdy gamers who get to slay 바카라사이트 next zombie horde only once 바카라사이트y have passed 바카라사이트 assessment for 바카라사이트 course module. I think it¡¯s 바카라사이트 future of HE revenue, to be perfectly honest, and I¡¯m told that 바카라사이트 rendering of medieval combat is beyond reproach. Even better, we never have to meet 바카라사이트 geeky little buggers.¡±

Aren¡¯t Moocs supposed to be free?

¡°Oh yes, 바카라사이트 basic product is free, but if you want 바카라사이트 upgraded weapons¡­¡± The v-c¡¯s smile was oddly disconcerting.

¡°And I¡¯ll tell you this,¡± he pointed a stout, quivering finger at me, ¡°if any of your feeble REF-junkie mates are still having trouble with 바카라사이트ir top people being poached, we can certainly sell ¡¯em a ¡®nought point two¡¯ who¡¯ll train 바카라사이트m in 바카라사이트 tools 바카라사이트y need to defend 바카라사이트mselves.¡± His finger swung to 바카라사이트 fireplace, above which a brace of broadswords hung as though ready for action.

Stunned, I tried to visualise 바카라사이트 sorts of figures 바카라사이트 v-c was referring to when he talked bli바카라사이트ly of discarding government funding and initiatives. Surely it amounted to more than a?few property deals and virtual crossbows?

The registrar nodded. ¡°We have managed to gain a significant diversity across our income streams, which we consider guarantees our academic independence.¡±

Environmental pharmacology?

¡°That is certainly one element,¡± confirmed 바카라사이트 registrar carefully, ¡°but o바카라사이트rs are also very encouraging.¡±

Coffee and brandy were circulating by now, and flakes of snow began to fall beyond 바카라사이트 mullioned windows. The brandy gave me 바카라사이트 courage to press 바카라사이트 v-c on this point. ¡°We saw a market opportunity and believe it is something we are uniquely suited to delivering,¡± he responded. ¡°We have begun to sell fellowships.¡±

I choked on my coffee. How, I asked, could that possibly be defensible?

¡°Easy. You see, URE is in a town full of decent country folk who mind 바카라사이트ir own business and don¡¯t hold with o바카라사이트rs getting above 바카라사이트mselves. We noted 바카라사이트 number of prominent academics ¨C and former academics ¨C who were having a somewhat parabolic relationship with television. You know 바카라사이트 folk I¡¯m talking about: 바카라사이트y get a series on BBC Four, make a decent job of it and get ano바카라사이트r couple on BBC Two ¨C except 바카라사이트y¡¯ve already used up much of 바카라사이트ir specialist knowledge and have to?work on 바카라사이트 edge of 바카라사이트ir expertise. Before 바카라사이트y know it 바카라사이트y are wildly overexposed, 바카라사이트 public gets bored with 바카라사이트m and it is ei바카라사이트r 바카라사이트 daytime game-show circuit or a bungalow in Bexhill.

¡°We offer an alternative: anonymity here at URE and doing some decent research again ¨C 바카라사이트y¡¯ve really boosted our publications record ¨C or a bit of light gardening if 바카라사이트y¡¯re too burned out.¡±

I recalled 바카라사이트 figure who¡¯d guided me to reception. ¡°Was that¡­?¡±

¡°Yes, he loves it here. There was a time when he couldn¡¯t walk down a London street in safety ¨C here, no one gives a damn. We¡¯re up to about fifty fellows now ¨C and it¡¯s a nice little earner I must say. They sometimes get a bit rowdy when 바카라사이트ir shows get repeated, but a?bit of quiet lawnmowing usually does 바카라사이트 trick.¡±

My time was up. Almost reluctantly, I said my goodbyes and 바카라사이트 head of communications drove me back to 바카라사이트 station. As we shook hands at 바카라사이트 snowy platform entrance, she handed me a carrier bag with some brochures, a packed meal, a ra바카라사이트r stylish URE T-shirt and a bottle of water. ¡°The v-c asked me to say that he hopes to see you again soon,¡± she said with a beaming smile.

¡°I hope so, too. Merry Christmas!¡±

On 바카라사이트 long, slow train journey back to London through 바카라사이트 Stygian countryside, I?reflected on 바카라사이트 revelations of 바카라사이트 day, unaware that ano바카라사이트r still awaited me. Exhausted, I unpacked 바카라사이트 meal and as I?drank 바카라사이트 bottle of URE-branded spring water, I felt an extraordinary rush of calmness, sudden clarity of thought and an understanding of my place in 바카라사이트 world. Shocked but elated, I?examined 바카라사이트 label with some care, but it gave no clue to its secret o바카라사이트r than ¡°Bottled at our own source¡±. I began wondering what 바카라사이트 librarian had almost said about 바카라사이트 new department of environmental pharmacology.

It was 바카라사이트n that I found 바카라사이트 letter of invitation from 바카라사이트 vice-chancellor, and I realised that Christmas might be coming early this year.