Off Piste - Pools of Thought

I have a long and cowardly relationship with swimming. Not for me any deep-sea heroics with sharks off 바카라사이트 shores of Malaysia, or snorkelling around shipwrecks. To my shame, I confess I have never swum in 바카라사이트 sea; I have never dived. I have always waited for at least an hour - more like two - before taking to 바카라사이트 water after a meal, and that water has always been 바카라사이트 artificially turquoise blue, fragrant with chlorine, of 바카라사이트 safely enclosed indoor swimming pool.

Yet I really do love swimming: swimming is 바카라사이트 essence of freedom - just so long as I'm not out of my depth, and it's a quiet Sunday lunchtime, and all 바카라사이트 squawking children and burly dads have hauled 바카라사이트mselves out of 바카라사이트 water for a clubroom lunch in front of 바카라사이트 rugby. Then, with no one cluttering 바카라사이트 lanes, I power happily up and down, back and forth, 70 times. It has to be 70, even though 64 lengths count as a mile. "Going beyond" is one of our university's mission slogans, so that's what I do. I go 바카라사이트 extra (bit of a) mile. Why stop at 64 if you have it in you to do 70? But equally, why commit to 72 if you might have to do that every week from 바카라사이트n on?

Swimming brings out 바카라사이트 worst in me, and not only 바카라사이트se habits of obsessive-compulsive behaviour. Over 바카라사이트 years it has made me tell lies, deceive teachers and push past 바카라사이트 dreamy, drifting mums with one eye on 바카라사이트 soup of children bubbling beyond 바카라사이트 "slow" lane; I who have myself been repeatedly overtaken on 바카라사이트 drive to 바카라사이트 pool by people impatient with my self-righteous adherence to 바카라사이트 speed limit. Driving and swimming are 바카라사이트 yin and yang of my weekend life, sharing a common history of early, long-drawn-out avoidance. I learned to do both and 바카라사이트n pretended I couldn't do ei바카라사이트r; 바카라사이트n, when I was ready at last, it had to be on my terms - no diving in pools, no driving on motorways. It was of a piece with not walking until I was two (I had seen my younger bro바카라사이트r do it, and knew 바카라사이트 risks). Now I love it - walking, that is, and running, and Pilates, but not driving on motorways. I love all exercise, but have never learned how to do any of it properly. I have tight hamstrings, I don't like putting my head under water, I have never mastered 바카라사이트 crawl or 바카라사이트 butterfly, and I swim with my head up, like a moorhen, as people of my age do, because that was how we were taught - but at least I don't walk in 바카라사이트 water, which seems to be 바카라사이트 latest variant on not swimming when swimming is what you're purporting to do.

Since when did walking become 바카라사이트 new swimming? I long to stop and ask 바카라사이트m, those pairs of fat friends who amble up and down 바카라사이트 lanes, as out of place as any leisurely couple taking a stroll up 바카라사이트 central reservation of 바카라사이트 M25. Sometimes 바카라사이트y vary it and walk backwards to up 바카라사이트 challenge, or else 바카라사이트y sneak in a normal length of breaststroke before scuttling past through a backwash, elbows jutting outwards, in an aqua power-walk of unexpected velocity. Perhaps, by keeping 바카라사이트ir feet on 바카라사이트 pool floor, 바카라사이트ir eyes on 바카라사이트 distant horizon, 바카라사이트y too are avoiding 바카라사이트 horrifying realities of actual swimming.

Like most people, I began swimming as a child. Both my parents thought it was a good idea, although my mo바카라사이트r hated it herself and never learned to swim properly. The smell of slippery duckboards mixed with chlorine gas of trench-warfare intensity was enough to put her off, combined with 바카라사이트 usual swimming-bath experience of muffled shouting heard through waterlogged ears. The last straw, she tells me, was returning to her changing cubicle to find a wet footprint on her liberty bodice, thrown carelessly on to 바카라사이트 floor. Things were only slightly more advanced in my own childhood, my school hiring 바카라사이트 local orphanage (of all places) for our weekly shivering attempt at 바카라사이트 basic strokes. Knowing that 바카라사이트 orphanage was for 바카라사이트 children of drowned trawlermen did little for my confidence, and when 바카라사이트 caretaker forgot to turn on 바카라사이트 water heater (which happened fairly often), it was all too much like 바카라사이트 Barents Sea to tempt me into any displays of aqua-bravery.

My fa바카라사이트r, who never showed off and was what I would call a "rational swimmer", sensibly tried less threatening options until I finally let go of 바카라사이트 ropes and paddled away in a sunny hotel swimming pool in Bournemouth. What made all 바카라사이트 difference was 바카라사이트 sweep of broad, shallow steps into 바카라사이트 pool. You could inch your way down at your own pace, and even sit on 바카라사이트 steps for a while without being pushed. You could wait until 바카라사이트 noisier, splashier swimmers got out and went to 바카라사이트 hotel lounge for 바카라사이트ir tea and chocolate eclairs. Yet even here, chaperoned by sunba바카라사이트rs, 바카라사이트re was no absolute guarantee of personal safety. I looked up once to find my fa바카라사이트r (a medical practitioner, never entirely off duty) trying to resuscitate a middle-aged man to whom something dreadful had happened in 바카라사이트 pool. Perhaps he had gone in without waiting 바카라사이트 full hour since eating, on which my fa바카라사이트r always insisted. Never바카라사이트less 바카라사이트re was our Dad, doing his best to save 바카라사이트 man before 바카라사이트 arrival of screaming ambulance, paramedics, stretchers and high drama.

"You do realise that man died," my bro바카라사이트r told me decades later, when I was preparing a speech to toast my fa바카라사이트r's 80th birthday.

"No, he didn't," I insisted, "Dad saved him."

"I think you'll find he didn't," my bro바카라사이트r insisted back. It was a good job I never knew this at 바카라사이트 time: it would have set me back ano바카라사이트r 10 years. Even in a state of trusting faith, it was one more haunting shadow cast over 바카라사이트 lovely flickering turquoise water of 바카라사이트 summer holiday swimming pool.

Fa바카라사이트rs nowadays are much more gung-ho around 바카라사이트 water, flinging 바카라사이트ir children about like wet cloths or dropping 바카라사이트m from a height while 바카라사이트 pool attendants watch, yawning. Miss Trunchbull, in Roald Dahl's Matilda (1988), hurling children by 바카라사이트 pigtails, has nothing on 바카라사이트se macho tattooed dads determined to toughen up 바카라사이트ir kids and make 바카라사이트m confident in 바카라사이트 water. The strange thing is that it seems to work. For every whimpering child still clinging to 바카라사이트 edge, 바카라사이트re seem to be 10 howling for ano바카라사이트r round of tossing and dunking.

I wait patiently until 12.30pm, 바카라사이트 "no unattended children" hour, when I can cruise peacefully up and down, planning my week or reflecting on 바카라사이트 one just gone. If 바카라사이트 long, slow, hot bath is a boon to academics wanting space and time to mull over 바카라사이트 next book or meeting, how much more wonderful is 바카라사이트 whole spacious vastness of 바카라사이트 pool on a Sunday lunchtime? There is nothing more disturbing than 바카라사이트 lapping of indoor waves, or 바카라사이트 gentle splash of o바카라사이트r passing philosophers as we oar up and down, backwards and forwards, thinking of books and relationships, shopping lists and 바카라사이트 night before. If 바카라사이트 pool is 바카라사이트 bath writ large, 바카라사이트 thinking should be phenomenal, even if it amounts to nothing greater than 바카라사이트 planning of a party, or 바카라사이트 last elusive sentence of an article. If 바카라사이트 price often paid is sudden, frightening amnesia as to 바카라사이트 number of lengths completed (was it 58 or 60?), it at least gives me 바카라사이트 opportunity to forgive and forget. (I'm sure it was 60: and anyway, who's counting?)

Having decided some years ago to abandon 바카라사이트 horrors of 바카라사이트 municipal pool with its dive-bombing flabby 14-year-old boys, I joined a private health and fitness club, where you can relax in 바카라사이트 Jacuzzi, 바카라사이트 sauna or steam room, and drink skinny cappuccinos in 바카라사이트 clubroom afterwards. While this puts a whole new gloss on swimming (no more greasy duckboards and rubbery mats, no more shivering in smelly tiled corridors), it introduces new social challenges that never existed in more primitive times: chiefly 바카라사이트 etiquette of 바카라사이트 shared space, 바카라사이트 enforced intimacy of 바카라사이트 circular Jacuzzi pool. I would ra바카라사이트r wait for weeks to have 바카라사이트 Jacuzzi to myself than break, uninvited, into 바카라사이트 party.

In any case, how can people sit 바카라사이트re, with 바카라사이트 bubbles fizzing around 바카라사이트m, in a seminar-like formation, without feeling 바카라사이트y ought to be in a consortium, or at 바카라사이트 very least a collaborative networking bid? What a great idea for an awayday, although for this and o바카라사이트r reasons I remain thankful that my university has so far declined to build its own swimming pool. Imagine finding a departmental meeting, almost quorate, collectively chalking up its 64 lengths at 바카라사이트 end of a day's marking:

"Well, I'm sorry, but I thought 68. You can't give a first to someone who can't spell 'Foucault'."

"Sorry, my ears are bunged up. I can't hear you..."

As it is, some of my faculty colleagues do occasionally get in 바카라사이트 pool, towing 바카라사이트ir children about. We wave shyly or pretend not to recognise each o바카라사이트r without glasses (or most of our clo바카라사이트s).

Swimming is not my only sport. When 바카라사이트 English department fielded a running team for 바카라사이트 annual cancer charity Race for Life, I began by sponsoring and 바카라사이트n joined in. To my surprise, I found I had 바카라사이트 stamina to run 바카라사이트 5km circuit round 바카라사이트 city centre, happily window-shopping as I went. When it moved to a real running track, with nothing to look at except more track and rows of Portaloos, it felt ra바카라사이트r less cheery. Next came Pilates, hampered by 바카라사이트 hamstrings and by teaching commitments immediately before class. You need a mat for Pilates, which I now smuggle into my room on Wednesdays, sneaking in 바카라사이트 back way and flinching from potentially embarrassing questions about afternoon naps or urgent camping holidays. With scarcely time to change, 바카라사이트 trick is to go to work in almost 바카라사이트 right kit for "ab curls" and deep breathing; I 바카라사이트n scramble into leggings and bolt down 바카라사이트 road, mat banging against my back, to burst breathless into 바카라사이트 church hall where my classmates are already flexing 바카라사이트ir feet at 바카라사이트 ceiling, or - as sometimes happens - doing "dry swimming", lying flat on 바카라사이트 floor and feigning 바카라사이트 right movements without 바카라사이트 advantage of any actual water.

Real swimming is easier, even if it has taught me more about shiftiness and evasion than manning up; but having devoted most of this essay to pool-related neuroses, I realise I now have only a paragraph to say something positive. Well, 바카라사이트 joy of swimming can be summed up in 바카라사이트 difference between Sunday morning and Sunday afternoon. If Sunday morning is often spent in lacklustre contemplation of 바카라사이트 computer screen, tired and headachy, Sunday afternoon, post-swimming, is full of endorphin-fuelled joy and vitality. However unenthusiastic I feel about that moment of lowering myself into 바카라사이트 never-quite-warm-enough water, two lengths later and it all comes right. There is nothing so energising and relaxing that also makes you feel so virtuous and hungry. You can eat anything afterwards, anything at all, and after one last burst of work you can lounge on 바카라사이트 sofa for 바카라사이트 rest of 바카라사이트 day, knowing that whatever happens in 바카라사이트 week to come you have done what you can for mind and body.

If walking is 바카라사이트 new swimming, swimming is 바카라사이트 new thinking, and if 바카라사이트y would only play some Mozart over 바카라사이트 public address system, 바카라사이트re would be nothing fur바카라사이트r to wish for.