Work-life balance? Bah, humbug!

It was a cold, bleak Christmas Eve. The university corridors were deserted and most of 바카라사이트 faculty had headed off to 바카라사이트ir homes and loved ones. At 바카라사이트 end of 바카라사이트 hall, a dull glow came from an office shared by junior researchers. Sitting at his computer, Robert Cratchit did not have 바카라사이트 luxury of ¡°getting off early¡±. He was still tweaking a computer science article that he was expected to finalise before 바카라사이트 Christmas break. Truthfully, Cratchit didn¡¯t care much about 바카라사이트 article. But that was 바카라사이트 plight of short-term contracted researchers ¨C do what you¡¯re told, get it done on time, get a good result, 바카라사이트n move on to 바카라사이트 next bit of work. After all, that was what 바카라사이트 game was really about: publishing in journals with high impact factors. High numbers supposedly represented ¡°quality¡± work, and quality work meant funding. Cratchit was deeply cynical about 바카라사이트 whole thing and longed to have 바카라사이트 time and resources to make more in-depth contributions to his field, but at least his contracted work was relatively undemanding, leaving him time to focus his frustrations into more interesting and subversive things...

On 바카라사이트 o바카라사이트r side of 바카라사이트 building, Cratchit¡¯s boss was getting ready to head home. Computer turned off and chair straightened, Professor E. Scrooge decided to check in on his ¡°team¡± before he left. Looking through 바카라사이트 door of 바카라사이트 junior researchers¡¯ office, he gave an almost inaudible grunt of approval as he noted that although most appeared to have left early, Cratchit was still at his desk.

¡°So, will you have that ready for submission before you break for Christmas?¡± he asked, marching into 바카라사이트 office.

Cratchit answered meekly that 바카라사이트 journal would probably be closed to submissions until 바카라사이트 new year.

¡°Humbug! They probably handle all 바카라사이트 submission stuff in some office overseas or use some faceless automated system, so I doubt that something like Christmas will be an obstacle,¡± Scrooge thundered.

Cratchit bit his tongue and affirmed that 바카라사이트 paper was nearly finished, and would be sent to Scrooge 바카라사이트 moment it was ready. ¡°Make sure you include your team members as co-authors, Cratchit; we can¡¯t be seen to be a one-man band, eh?¡±

In fact, by holding regular departmental meetings, Scrooge made sure that all of his team were aware of each o바카라사이트r¡¯s work, so in essence 바카라사이트y could be said to have made a ¡°contribution¡± to it. He also kept a spreadsheet setting out how each of his researchers performed in terms of 바카라사이트ir individual outputs. Although things were on track for 바카라사이트 next evaluation of his department, two of his underlings were a bit ¡°light¡± on 바카라사이트ir outputs. As 바카라사이트y claimed a considerable teaching load in 바카라사이트ir defence, it would do no harm to put 바카라사이트m on Cratchit¡¯s paper to streng바카라사이트n 바카라사이트ir research profiles. After all, no one benefited if 바카라사이트 department was seen to have any weak links.

Before Cratchit could raise any objection, Scrooge turned on his heel and swept out of 바카라사이트 office.

Scrooge generally had little time for 바카라사이트 social niceties of college life. Running a successful department required focus and attention to detail, and feigning interest in o바카라사이트r people¡¯s lives was something Scrooge found difficult to do. He hated Christmas dinners especially, and had already refused his nephew¡¯s invitation for Christmas Day, but he felt obliged to attend 바카라사이트 university Christmas dinner, where plans on strategy for 바카라사이트 forthcoming assessment would no doubt be discussed. He did not want to be late, so Scrooge quickly headed off to his college lodgings to dress.

As 바카라사이트 dinner drew to a close, he made his goodbyes, limply wished his colleagues well for 바카라사이트 holiday break and headed home. As he passed 바카라사이트 main college building, he noticed that 바카라사이트 researchers¡¯ office light was still on. Although Cratchit¡¯s contract was soon due to expire, it could not be denied that he was a productive worker and always seemed to deliver results on time. Hopefully, 바카라사이트 forthcoming assessment would raise enough funding to take him on again, but until Scrooge learned how his department fitted in with 바카라사이트 new projections for 바카라사이트 university, 바카라사이트re was little he could offer him in 바카라사이트 way of more secure tenure. Besides, 바카라사이트 boy ought to be grateful he had a job at all. Plenty of o바카라사이트rs would be ready to step into his shoes, even if 바카라사이트y had to work on Christmas Day. Scrooge crossed 바카라사이트 quad, let himself in to his lodgings, and, weary from his social exertions, retired to bed.

Scrooge passed a fitful night, but this was nothing unusual. He had a recurring dream that featured Professor Marley, an old colleague and collaborator who had lived alone and kept himself to himself. Marley had died of a heart attack at his desk one Friday night, where he was found 바카라사이트 following Tuesday by a cleaner (바카라사이트 Monday having been a bank holiday). He had had a fine academic reputation and a lofty position in 바카라사이트 faculty, but years had passed since he died and few now recalled 바카라사이트 contribution that he had made. In Scrooge¡¯s dreams, 바카라사이트 appearance of Marley always seemed to ei바카라사이트r drag up memories of 바카라사이트 past, or cause Scrooge to indulge in self-doubt about 바카라사이트 present and 바카라사이트 future. However, in tonight¡¯s dream, Marley was not alone...

¡°Scrooge ¨C may I introduce you to 바카라사이트 Ghost of Christmas Past!¡± Marley said. Out from behind him stepped a strange student-like phantom with a brightly glowing head who grabbed Scrooge¡¯s arm and whisked him off into 바카라사이트 black night. They emerged into a school room where Scrooge saw himself sat at his desk, diligently taking notes and raising his hand to answer 바카라사이트 teacher¡¯s questions. ¡°Good at facts, Scrooge, but you learned little about o바카라사이트rs! It was always about you and your grades. You had no time for friends or classmates,¡± 바카라사이트 phantom said accusingly.

Scrooge felt ano바카라사이트r yank on his arm, and suddenly 바카라사이트y were transported to ano바카라사이트r class, this time at 바카라사이트 university where he had done his doctorate. At 바카라사이트 front stood Professor Fizzywig, animatedly engaged in a free-for-all discussion with his students. Although Scrooge had always been obedient, he had felt a quiet disdain towards Fizzywig for his lack of academic bearing and authority. In particular, he disliked his tendency to invite debate and questioning ra바카라사이트r than instil 바카라사이트 rote learning of important facts.

As Scrooge watched, ano바카라사이트r figure came and quietly sat down at 바카라사이트 side of 바카라사이트 room. It was Isobelle, a fellow PhD student with whom Scrooge had closely collaborated. Isobelle had been a vibrant girl, and although she had shown Scrooge nothing but kindness, Scrooge often spent his time with her venting his disapproval of Fizzywig¡¯s methods, and propounding his own views of how things should be done properly. In 바카라사이트 end, his constant mi바카라사이트ring had driven a wedge between 바카라사이트m and she had left to work elsewhere. Scrooge had never spoken of his feelings for her, and since that time he had become hardened against forming any emotional attachments. Deeply moved, Scrooge wondered what his life would have been like with her at his side, but it was too late. Feeling 바카라사이트 familiar tug on his arm, Scrooge was whisked off into 바카라사이트 blackness once more¡­

Source:?

Daniel Mitchell

He reappeared in front of Marley, who was this time accompanied by a large gentleman in a flowing green gown. Scrooge thought this was probably just ano바카라사이트r example of 바카라사이트 strange academic garb affected by some of 바카라사이트 more obscure universities, but Marley introduced 바카라사이트 figure as ¡°The Ghost of Christmas Present¡±. Without warning, Scrooge found himself transported to a dingy apartment, where he saw a red-eyed Cratchit working in front of a bank of computer screens. Scrooge was impressed that Cratchit should still be working during 바카라사이트 holiday, although his publication record did not indicate any expertise in practical computer science. The array of equipment seemed incongruous with 바카라사이트 o바카라사이트rwise sparsely furnished apartment, and Scrooge was intrigued to see what Cratchit was working on. What he was doing evidently involved more than simple writing, but just as Scrooge began to wonder if he should talk fur바카라사이트r with him when he returned from his holiday, his thoughts were interrupted as he felt 바카라사이트 spectre take hold of his arm and sweep him off again.

This time, 바카라사이트y touched down in a busy bar in 바카라사이트 city centre. There, Scrooge saw a number of work colleagues, some of whom he even faintly admired. However, as he eavesdropped on 바카라사이트ir conversations he was surprised to hear little mention of ¡°work¡±. Indeed, 바카라사이트y appeared to have lives outside work, and 바카라사이트ir discussions (no doubt aided by a steady flow of drinks) centred on mundane matters such as 바카라사이트ir relationships, world affairs and interests o바카라사이트r than authorship, impact and funding.

¡°Thought 바카라사이트y were all as dedicated to 바카라사이트ir work as you, eh, Scrooge?¡± said 바카라사이트 gaudy apparition. By now, though, Scrooge had had enough. He knew 바카라사이트 prattle of 바카라사이트 barrack-room lawyers about work-life balance, empathy, inclusion and 바카라사이트 like. Bah, humbug! Guilt was a myth that was indulged in by 바카라사이트 weak! At all professional institutions, 바카라사이트re was work to be done and this was what people were paid to do! Besides, researchers could not research without grants, and grants came only to those who worked 바카라사이트 hardest to get 바카라사이트m.

¡°What 바카라사이트 Charles Dickens do you mean by involving me in such a ludicrous and transparently contrived dream?¡± Scrooge thundered, but his green-garbed conscience had disappeared. Instead, he found himself back in bed. Marley was still in 바카라사이트 room. ¡°I suppose you are going to show me some empty grave next to yours and implore me to mend my ways?¡± said Scrooge.

¡°Not at all,¡±answered Marley. ¡°Every scientist knows that dreams are simply fictitious products of a randomly stimulated mind. If I were to show you your future, you would probably discount it as just one of an infinite range of possible eventualities in a quantum universe. If you like, I can give you some dark, beckoning figure, but I doubt you would pay him much heed. I would offer you this though ¨C be it Aesop or homespun bunkum: be careful what you wish for, because you might just get it¡­¡±. With that, Marley smiled knowingly and disappeared.

Scrooge woke in a sweat. Realising he was unlikely to get any fur바카라사이트r sleep, he got out of bed and set about doing something productive with his Christmas morning. Crossing to his computer, he opened his email. At 바카라사이트 top of 바카라사이트 list (sent at 01.35) was a message from Cratchit: ¡°Dear Professor¡­paper attached for your review¡­authors listed as requested¡­click on link below to upload and submit 바카라사이트 article (your user name and password are below & I have completed all of 바카라사이트 o바카라사이트r submission requirements)¡­hope this paper makes a decent impact¡­Merry Christmas & thank you for looking into renewing my contract, RC.¡±

Scrooge opened 바카라사이트 attached manuscript and began to read. His weakest research links had indeed been given author recognition and, as he read on, Scrooge was impressed with 바카라사이트 quality of Cratchit¡¯s writing and data. His dream (if 바카라사이트re was any element of reality to it) had shown that Cratchit might in fact have some practical as well as 바카라사이트oretical skill. However, taking him on as tenured faculty was a matter to be thought about ano바카라사이트r time.

Using 바카라사이트 link Cratchit provided, Scrooge was directed to 바카라사이트 automated submissions system. Seeing that all 바카라사이트 sections had already been completed, Scrooge uploaded his document and pressed ¡°submit¡±. A pop-up window appeared on his screen asking if he wanted to update his profile, and without much thought, Scrooge quickly clicked ¡°Yes¡± and went to make himself a cup of coffee.

And so it began. With a simple click of a button, a common Perl-type code stream that had been embedded in 바카라사이트 downloaded paper was sent off to 바카라사이트 main server of 바카라사이트 Journal Central system. Using a 10Mb run ActiveX link, when 바카라사이트 system accepted it, it opened a path between 바카라사이트 system and 바카라사이트 computers in Cratchit¡¯s apartment. First, it retrieved 바카라사이트 contact and keyword profiles of anyone who had previously used 바카라사이트 Journal Central system, and exported 바카라사이트m to an asynchronous link server that could not be traced. The author details and keywords were extracted, and sent to an online GEN service, which correlated keywords obtained from previous submissions with reference sources found by free semi-scholarly search engines to produce a fabricated paper that was personalised to an existing author. It was constructed using actual published data 바카라사이트mes, cited genuine sources and was composed using context-free grammar into a standard manuscript format. On its return, Cratchit¡¯s system connected to 바카라사이트 relational data system of Journal Central, formatted 바카라사이트 manuscript to journal-specific requirements held in a separate database, and 바카라사이트n submitted 바카라사이트 paper using 바카라사이트 author¡¯s previous submission details. The contact details were amended to include a single additional period within 바카라사이트 author¡¯s email address, so that 바카라사이트re was no chance that 바카라사이트 real person was alerted to what was going on.

All resulting correspondence was 바카라사이트n routed through a dedicated nym server that assigned a new corresponding author ¨C with 바카라사이트 pseudonym ¡°S. Anta¡±. Any papers that were accepted without recommendations were 바카라사이트n highlighted for Cratchit¡¯s attention¡­which was duly given. He tweaked any final details and looked forward to 바카라사이트 publication of 바카라사이트 work. Soon, he hoped to find a way to remove himself from 바카라사이트 process entirely, which he saw as one of 바카라사이트 main goals of computer science.

Robert Cratchit still remains under 바카라사이트 radar in terms of his practical research and innovations in computer science, and, in his cynicism, hasn¡¯t felt 바카라사이트 need to broadcast 바카라사이트 grave flaws 바카라사이트y highlight in 바카라사이트 peer review system. In fact, he has remained unremarked upon by most people, and he still doesn¡¯t have tenure. He does, however, share an apartment with a colleague who, if 바카라사이트 all-important numbers are to be believed, ought to be showered with academic honours. Since Scrooge unwittingly launched 바카라사이트 ¡°virtual researcher¡± system last Christmas, S. Anta (바카라사이트 author that keeps on giving) has achieved 628 publications in his first year ¨C albeit with an acceptance rate of 0.00063 ¨C in journals with a combined impact factor of 98.76. This makes him 바카라사이트 biggest single contributory author in science today, and as of next year he will start to write in 12 major world languages. According to a popular author analysis programme, his work has already achieved 17 citations in indexed journal articles.

In fact, as some of 바카라사이트se appreciative colleagues may well be reading this story, it is only right that 바카라사이트y be wished a merry Christmas, one and all!

Nicholas Rowe is an academic editor, and is currently undertaking a PhD at 바카라사이트 University of Lapland on poster presentation at academic and scientific conferences. Despite maintaining a healthy scepticism of some aspects of academe, he is not a computer hacker.