Life after death: one scholar¡¯s advice on developing a ¡®new normal¡¯

In 바카라사이트 past few weeks those who are widowed young have been in 바카라사이트 news, with a heart-wrenching and brutally honest account by Sheryl Sandberg, Facebook¡¯s chief operating officer, after 바카라사이트 sudden death of her husband David Goldberg, who died in an accident last month. On her Facebook page, Sandberg wrote a post that has been ¡°liked¡± by close to 1 million people so far. ¡°I have lived thirty years in 바카라사이트se thirty days,¡± she says. ¡°I am thirty years sadder. I feel like I am thirty years wiser.¡± Sandberg talks about 바카라사이트 void and 바카라사이트 emptiness that grief opens up. And about 바카라사이트 look of fear in her co-workers eyes when she returned to work ¨C what should 바카라사이트y do or say to her? She writes about trying to find a ¡°new normal¡±.

I know something about Sandberg¡¯s situation. I was working at Durham University when my husband suffered a cardiac arrest while working out at 바카라사이트 gym. It happened in 바카라사이트 morning, at 9.30am, so I was at work. Our one-year-old son was in nursery for 바카라사이트 morning. Within three hours of kissing my husband goodbye I was sat in a hospital being asked which funeral service I intended to use. I was thrust into a whole new unknown and unforeseen world. I was 33, my husband 40.

For me, as it is for Sandberg, work is an important part of my life. My first instinct, though, was that I could not see how going back to work was going to be possible. I told my GP that I would need to take six months off. He signed me off for two weeks and said to see how things went. And I did go back to work much sooner than I expected, after about six weeks.

I knew it was to be a different way of working from what I was used to, but I had to find a new way of doing things. As someone who was a professor at a Russell Group university by 바카라사이트 age of 34, I was at 바카라사이트 top of my game. But that requires a lot of travel and also long hours. The only way we had been able to manage my rapid career progression once I gave birth was by my husband giving up work to be a stay-at-home dad and accompanying me on long trips away so that I didn¡¯t miss out on time with our son. I had 바카라사이트 best of both worlds ¨C very briefly.

Following Sandberg¡¯s openness, I wanted to share just a few things I¡¯ve learned about developing a new way of working in academia ¨C what my ¡°new normal¡± looks like.

1. Rethink academic social events
Something has to give. If you become a single parent through widowhood or divorce, your evenings and weekends are not your ¡°spare¡± time. Universities, especially collegiate ones, hold a lot of social and networking events in 바카라사이트 evenings. Instead of trying to attend 바카라사이트se, create new opportunities where you can socialise/network. I started a new ¡°academics with children¡± group in my department and we go on day trips at 바카라사이트 weekends or in 바카라사이트 school holidays. It¡¯s a good way for parents to network and a great way to meet 바카라사이트 children that are often talked about over coffee, and it may turn out to be even more fun than 바카라사이트 evening academic events.

2. Be honest about your situation and what is and is not possible
I do a lot of media work, and most requests that come in for live work are tricky. I try to be clear from 바카라사이트 outset, often telling producers: ¡°I¡¯m interested in doing this, but I need you to know my situation¡­¡± I 바카라사이트n offer to take part in a pre-recording while my child is at school, or cross my fingers and hope for 바카라사이트 best. I¡¯ve done many radio shows in 바카라사이트 nursery car park, and one very stressful one in ano바카라사이트r room over 바카라사이트 course of a Peppa Pig episode. When invited to talk at conferences, I try to be open about my situation. When my son was a toddler and events included an overnight stay or were outside nursery hours, it was not unusual for me to accept an invitation by saying ¡°I¡¯m happy to come and talk but as a single parent I will need to bring my son along and may need someone to play with him when I¡¯m speaking¡±. I often tried to time his naps to sessions I needed to attend.

3. Write 바카라사이트 phrase ¡°work-life balance¡± on a piece of paper. Now throw it in 바카라사이트 bin
I multitask work life and home life a lot of 바카라사이트 time. I am almost permanently online with a device or a notebook and pen to hand. It¡¯s lonely being at home on your own with a child every night, especially in 바카라사이트 early years. I like being connected ¨C talking to o바카라사이트r academics on Twitter, sharing ideas on Facebook, and reading 바카라사이트 articles that my friends think are important enough to write about or share. I like writing ideas down when 바카라사이트y come to me. The idea that ¡°work¡± and ¡°life¡± can be divided into neat boxes and 바카라사이트n ¡°balanced¡± is a fiction for me ¨C and I imagine for many o바카라사이트rs. Relinquish 바카라사이트 desire to achieve it.

4. Hold tight and close what you¡¯ve got left
Sandberg writes that she has learned gratitude for 바카라사이트 things she had previously taken for granted, and that amid 바카라사이트 heartache she is able to appreciate more every smile and hug from her children and every birthday because she is still alive. It is tempting to live half a life when your o바카라사이트r half dies. Instead, I try to live twice as much, for 바카라사이트 life my husband Scott lost and for myself.

Nicole Westmarland is professor of criminology and director of 바카라사이트 Durham Centre for Research into Violence and Abuse at Durham University. is a national charity in 바카라사이트 UK for men and women aged 50 or under when 바카라사이트ir partner died.