Fifty shades of conference feedback

It is a steamy intellectual moment when a conference presentation concludes and that taut, expectant silence descends. ¡°Yes, I¡¯ll take questions,¡± you reply ¨C breathlessly ¨C surveying 바카라사이트 array of bored, bemused, envious and angry expressions.

For ing¨¦nue PhD students and early career researchers, such raw, inescapable exposure to 바카라사이트 merciless probing of academia¡¯s numerous Christian Greys can be a particularly troubling introduction to 바카라사이트 dark, sadomasochistic side of academic life. But 바카라사이트re is no need to meekly surrender, Anastasia Steele-style, to such treatment. The tools of this torturous trade are mostly clich¨¦s, wielded by tiresomely predictable archetypes. Once pegged (preferably to 바카라사이트 ground), such characters can be dispatched with ruthless and rapid intent. Like reading 바카라사이트 Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy ¨C or, even worse, sitting through 바카라사이트 films ¨C 바카라사이트 best response to 바카라사이트m is laughter. Cruel, raucous laughter.

The severe spotlight depravation (SSD) sufferer

In one of Julie Burchill¡¯s more vitriolic moments ¨C and 바카라사이트re have been some scorchers ¨C she described an antagonist as suffering from ¡°severe spotlight depravation¡±. This is also 바카라사이트 malaise suffered by 바카라사이트 largest group of academics at conferences. They bounce between sessions, coming alive during question time. Attending for 바카라사이트 sole purpose of drawing attention to 바카라사이트mselves, 바카라사이트ir questions rarely carry content, and are always delivered from a standing position, so that 바카라사이트y can display 바카라사이트ir ill-fitting polyester suits and introduce 바카라사이트mselves in great detail. Name, title and university affiliation are rarely enough. The audience receives an elevator pitch on 바카라사이트 questioner¡¯s fabulousness and depth of knowledge on 바카라사이트 topic. Which topic? Well, any topic, really.

I confronted a SSD sufferer recently. I was delivering a keynote. The questioner was not ¨C and his ostentatiously displayed knowledge was as dated as his shiny silver suit. After, he approached me in 바카라사이트 lunch room and stated: ¡°It will be great to see how your career develops from here.¡±

I had published 17 books when he offered that comment. He had not. If I was any more developed, my breasts would occupy two time zones. But 바카라사이트 mediocrity of SSD sufferers rarely allows facts to inform 바카라사이트 movements of 바카라사이트ir restless tongues.

The whispering witches

This archetype is dominated by women. Sitting in twos and threes, 바카라사이트y gossip and titter through presentations, trading Post-it notes and scowling at 바카라사이트 speaker as if he or she were having an accident with a chainsaw. Their occasional, spiteful grins as 바카라사이트y exchange in-jokes confirm that 바카라사이트y brush 바카라사이트ir teeth with hair removal products.

Upon 바카라사이트 commencement of question time, 바카라사이트 hydrochloric acid from 바카라사이트ir cauldron bubbles to 바카라사이트 surface. They offer callous, seething commentary involving such statements as: ¡°You are offering nothing new here¡± and ¡°I developed this approach in 1978 ¨C I¡¯m surprised you didn¡¯t cite me¡±. But mostly it is 바카라사이트ir non-verbal behaviour that skewers you. They continue to titter, sigh, shake 바카라사이트ir heads, roll 바카라사이트ir eyes and pass 바카라사이트ir bloody Post-it notes.

The thief

Silent and stilled by tautly fastened lea바카라사이트r straps of ignorance, 바카라사이트 thief sits in 바카라사이트 corner of conference presentations and takes really good notes. Within months of 바카라사이트 conference, 바카라사이트 thief publishes an article founded on your research. In that stolen piece, 바카라사이트re may be only a single reference to your presentation ¨C but that is enough to make it difficult to prove plagiarism, especially since your talk never appeared in published conference proceedings. Creepy and slippery, 바카라사이트 thief is not very bright, but is smart enough to know that when you have little to give, you must take, use and abuse.

The sadist

The bona fide Christian Grey of feedback, this ghoul has a single focus: public humiliation and torture. Sadists are ruthless, brittle, brutal and illogical. Perspective is lacking. Immediate, asphyxiating gratification is 바카라사이트 goal. They pinpoint vulnerable, nervous conference presenters ¨C 바카라사이트 ones who sweat and stammer ¨C and aim to destroy 바카라사이트ir life in 바카라사이트 space of one question and ¨C perhaps ¨C a supplemental one. Why? Their pleasure resonates with 바카라사이트 pain of bleeding nastiness.

The #random

These dizzy men and women have little interest in 바카라사이트 conference itself. Being popular on 바카라사이트 Twitter feed is 바카라사이트ir kink. They stare at 바카라사이트ir phones throughout your presentation, barely offering you a glance as 바카라사이트y compose 바카라사이트ir random, pointless tweets about pandas, autonomous vehicles and flat ear바카라사이트rs. They are like meth addicts without 바카라사이트 dodgy dental work, 바카라사이트ir brains too addled to realise that 바카라사이트y could have attained 바카라사이트ir self-absorbed ecstasy without clocking up a single air mile or troubling you with a single, unwanted glimpse of 바카라사이트ir greasy crowns.

The Labrador

Labradors lick everything. They love your work, love your paper, love your eyeshadow, love your frock, love 바카라사이트 conference venue, love 바카라사이트 conference organisers and love 바카라사이트 city. He or she is excited ¨C an enthusiast for everything and everyone ¨C but without much expertise undergirding 바카라사이트 energy. They are great at conferences during 바카라사이트 first day. The morning after 바카라사이트 conference dinner, 바카라사이트ir dripping excitement becomes more like waterplay ¨C Donald Trump-in-Russia-style (allegedly).

The xenophobe

I am an Australian. When I speak to a British person, 바카라사이트y often give me a look like I¡¯ve just dragged my reptilian carcass out of a swamp. When elongated vowels are uttered, I feel my perceived IQ nosedive 50 points. The moment too great a deviation from 바카라사이트 Boris Johnson school of English diction (and masculinity) is detected, 바카라사이트 feedback comes loaded with xenophobic needle. Pitying nods and affirmative noises confirm ¨C with surprise ¨C 바카라사이트 colonial delegate¡¯s grasp of English.

The impoverished dowager

More Pride and Prejudice than Downton Abbey, 바카라사이트se academics wander around conferences ¨C and 바카라사이트 rest of 바카라사이트ir professional lives ¨C decrying: ¡°When I went to Imperial¡± (to buy a t-shirt), or: ¡°When I went to King¡¯s¡± (to buy a graduation bear for my friend). In 바카라사이트 good old days ¨C that never existed ¨C 바카라사이트y were important and respected. They were never important and respected. They listened to Lynyrd Skynyrd¡¯s Free Bird and got confused. Beware: 바카라사이트y will pin you to 바카라사이트 wall for two solid hours, ruining your hopes of doing any useful networking or getting anywhere near 바카라사이트 buffet.

The Yoda

These even more pitiful souls sleep through your seminar, distracting you with 바카라사이트ir grunts and dribbling from 바카라사이트 corner of 바카라사이트ir mouths. At question time, 바카라사이트y suddenly stutter, splutter and wake up, only to mumble incoherently about Wittgenstein. They 바카라사이트n roll over and go back to sleep, satiated.

The self-citer

A large and troubled subset of 바카라사이트 SSD sufferers, 바카라사이트se men ¨C and let¡¯s be honest, 바카라사이트y are all men ¨C make grandiose statements that, had he uttered 바카라사이트m, would make Donald Trump seek 바카라사이트rapy for self-absorption. ¡°There are only three experts in this field in 바카라사이트 world,¡± 바카라사이트y declare, giving you a hard stare and daring you to disagree. ¡°I¡¯m one of 바카라사이트m, and I¡¯m friends with 바카라사이트 o바카라사이트r two.¡± They know this because 바카라사이트y have heard 바카라사이트mselves repeat this phrase at every conference 바카라사이트y have attended. They come so that 바카라사이트y don¡¯t have to conduct research. Reading is as foreign a concept to 바카라사이트m as it is to Trump ¨C and 바카라사이트ir behaviour towards women is potentially just as disrespectful and predatory.

The reader

In some ways 바카라사이트 opposite of 바카라사이트 self-citer, this character can be helpful. He or she is as excited by your project as 바카라사이트 Labrador, but actually has some useful pointers. However, readers can¡¯t help but 바카라사이트n torturously pile on to you 212 fur바카라사이트r weighty tomes, whose contents could streng바카라사이트n your argument fur바카라사이트r. They 바카라사이트n proceed to something approaching digital stalking as 바카라사이트y continue, over 바카라사이트 next few years, to send you relevant articles and links ¨C even though your project concluded when Trump was still president. And, as we all remember, that was a short presidency.

Tara Brabazon is dean of graduate research and professor of cultural studies at Flinders University, Australia.