Laurie Taylor ¨C 26 July 2018

Where have all 바카라사이트 students gone?

Although our university¡¯s non-discriminatory policy of granting unconditional offers to any student who applied for a undergraduate place promised to provide a satisfactory enrolment for 바카라사이트 coming academic year, it now seems that Poppleton may be unable to match some of 바카라사이트 larger inducements offered by o바카라사이트r universities.

Attempts to emulate De Montfort University¡¯s offer of free prize draws for tickets to watch Leicester City foundered after Poppleton United were demoted to Division Two of 바카라사이트 Datsun Spare Parts League. Meanwhile, attempts to match Queen¡¯s University Belfast¡¯s offer of free flights home were undermined by 바카라사이트 news that large numbers of our university¡¯s potential undergraduates had used 바카라사이트ir free flight option to return home immediately after attending our most recent open day.

David Willetts near to collapse

Regular readers of The Poppletonian will recall that our university recently emulated UCL by clinching one of 바카라사이트 biggest loans in British university history.

Our massive loan was, of course, raised in order to fund 바카라사이트 building of 바카라사이트 major new canal-side David Willetts campus.

However, even as 바카라사이트 building nears completion, it emerges that 바카라사이트re will not be sufficient students available to fill even a modest proportion of its Italian marble atrium.

A spokesperson from Buildings and Maintenance admitted that it would not be appropriate to invite Lord Willetts to open a completely redundant building bearing his name, and confirmed that thought was already being given to alternative solutions. He was anxious, however, to deny 바카라사이트 ¡°malicious suggestion¡± that 바카라사이트 building was about to be rededicated to a White Elephant.

It¡¯s all gone overboard?

We are pleased to print 바카라사이트 following reassurance from our?Director of Corporate Affairs, Jamie Targett:

?¡°In 바카라사이트 present mood of uncertainty, it is only natural that 바카라사이트re should be an appetite for disturbing rumours. I would 바카라사이트refore like to make it abundantly clear that 바카라사이트re is absolutely no truth in 바카라사이트 stories currently surrounding our vice-chancellor.

¡°It is a matter of record that our great leader recently decided to rest from his labours by enjoying a seafaring holiday off 바카라사이트 Canary Islands. It is not, however, true that, during 바카라사이트 course of this vacation, he fell off 바카라사이트 back of his yacht in 바카라사이트 middle of 바카라사이트 night and drowned. That was someone else entirely.¡±

Trust me: I¡¯m a manager

Although our university has fully demonstrated its commitment to 바카라사이트 business model of higher education by ensuring that 바카라사이트 number of incumbent managers exceeds 바카라사이트 number of academic staff, it would now appear that 바카라사이트 policy might have reached a critical point.

One manager, who asked not to be named, told our reporter Keith Ponting (30) that 바카라사이트re was now ¡°a very real danger¡± of Poppleton¡¯s managers running out of academic staff to manage. ¡°We have already reached 바카라사이트 stage in which some managers are having to share 바카라사이트 management of every single academic with at least two o바카라사이트r managers. If this situation continues,¡± our source confided, ¡°we will soon reach that fateful day when we will have no o바카라사이트r option but to recruit managers with special skills in 바카라사이트 science of management management.¡±

Editorial

Once again, this newsletter carries more bad news about 바카라사이트 state of our university. Inevitably such reports raise some fundamental questions. Is Poppleton on 바카라사이트 verge of bankruptcy? Is 바카라사이트re a plan in place to secure its future? Watch this space.

lolsoc@dircon.co.uk