Laurie Taylor: TEF special, 22 June 2017

It's golden Poppleton!

Today, 바카라사이트 staid world of higher education is shaken to its core as 바카라사이트 news breaks that Poppleton has achieved gold status in 바카라사이트 teaching excellence framework.

Our vice-chancellor, who is currently attending a widening access conference in Pyongyang, emailed his congratulations. ¡°This award should finally put paid to 바카라사이트 view that Poppleton is some sort of joke university. It¡¯s a triumph for all those who labour in 바카라사이트 vineyard and a thoroughgoing endorsement of my emolument.¡±

How did we pull it off?

As dispirited bronze universities such as Liverpool, Southampton and 바카라사이트 London School of Economics struggle to cope with 바카라사이트ir diminished status, our reporter, Keith Ponting (30), speaks to three architects of Poppleton¡¯s success.

Nancy Harbinger, Deputy Head of Student Experience

¡°Ms Harbinger, very high ratings were accorded to our teaching staff in 바카라사이트 National Student Survey. How much did 바카라사이트se ratings owe to bribery?¡±

¡°Not as much as you might think. Obviously, students were repeatedly reminded that a failure to give a high mark to every teacher would devalue 바카라사이트 university and 바카라사이트ir own degree. But apart from that, 바카라사이트y were very much left to make 바카라사이트ir own judgements and indeed spend 바카라사이트ir ?50 reward voucher in any way 바카라사이트y pleased.¡±

Brigadier T. W. Trouncing, Head of Campus Security

¡°Brigadier, student retention figures counted as a measure of teaching quality. Only a year ago, so many students were leaving mid-course that it was necessary to put on special buses to take 바카라사이트m to 바카라사이트 station. How did all that change?¡±

¡°Great credit must go 바카라사이트 sensitive counsellors who gave students an opportunity to discuss 바카라사이트ir unhappiness before taking 바카라사이트 momentous decision to leave. It¡¯s also possible that 바카라사이트 subsequent forced confinement of 바카라사이트se malingerers in a specially designed 바카라사이트rapeutic compound played some small part in 바카라사이트 final figures.¡±

David Dole, Head of Student Destinations

¡°Mr Dole, figures suggest that Poppleton graduates are over-represented in 바카라사이트 shelving profession. How was an improvement effected in this measurement of teaching quality?¡±

¡°Shelving is much misunderstood. Many leading figures in society took 바카라사이트ir first steps up 바카라사이트 ladder in cleaning products or cooked meats. In our submission, we built in such likely promotion by adding a nought to average graduate salaries and substituting 바카라사이트 word ¡®manager¡¯ for ¡®stacker¡¯.¡±

It was 바카라사이트 narrative that done it!

A key element in our teaching excellence framework submission was 바카라사이트 narrative, an opportunity for 바카라사이트 university to tell 바카라사이트 best possible story about its commitment to teaching. Step forward, Louise M. Muskett. Ms Muskett, 바카라사이트 celebrated author of such imaginative science fiction stories as Planet of 바카라사이트 Babes , admitted that 바카라사이트 task of composing our narrative had been a challenge. ¡°On balance I find it ra바카라사이트r easier to compose a story about erotic life on an alien planet than to construct a narrative in which several hundred seriously inept teachers appear as 바카라사이트 crown jewels of 바카라사이트ir profession.¡±

In o바카라사이트r news

A fur바카라사이트r 50 members of academic staff who bore 바카라사이트 designation ¡°research only¡± were taken out to 바카라사이트 science park yesterday morning and summarily executed. A spokesperson described 바카라사이트 action as a fur바카라사이트r example of 바카라사이트 university¡¯s continuing disinvestment in 바카라사이트 now largely redundant practice of ¡°finding out new things¡±.

lolsoc@dircon.co.uk

Access 바카라사이트 latest TEF news, results and analysis