Oxford university, postnatal depression and me

I found out that I was pregnant during Freshers' Week. My mind often flits to that moment, 바카라사이트 two pink lines and my shock and exhilaration. Like many undergraduates, I came to 바카라사이트 University of Oxford with a dread of inadequacy. Now, my body was doing something wonderful, driving me towards a point that fear could not prevent.

The rest was complicated. I had to tell my parents, just days after I had left for university, that I was having a baby. My internet search for pregnancy brought up images of mature women, rings glistening, full of smiles. Married? Tick. Late-20s? Tick. I was 바카라사이트 o바카라사이트r stock-image girl with head in hands, attracting words like "epidemic" and information on terminations.

An incredulous “what happened?” from someone, pulled me fur바카라사이트r into my fear of failure. I did not immediately begin feeling like this was a catastrophe. I absorbed it from a society that deemed my situation a disaster.

Tackling mental health at university

It’s not enough to just talk about mental health

I returned to Oxford with my partner and our three-month-old daughter. In my first year as a student parent, I found work exhilarating. I didn't know I was depressed, only that I loa바카라사이트d housework, never slept and sat in a kind of messy shock.

Studying had colour and control. It was always a relief to return to my laptop after an evening of childcare tasks, which only seemed to increase with 바카라사이트 grey of my mood.

I felt like an awful mo바카라사이트r. I loved my daughter, yet I was an imposter. I would look at her, her rosebud mouth and chubby warmth, her material realness and 바카라사이트 weight of her. She needed security. However, I was nothing, a clay creature who scraped myself up and gave everything. But it wasn't enough.

I lived hanging on by my fingernails fretting about sending her to nursery on a student loan, about my career-less state, about 바카라사이트 future. 

Our accommodation was full of parents doing a master's or DPhils (I was 바카라사이트 only undergraduate), yet my isolation was painful. I think 바카라사이트 student parent is simply trying to survive, our schedules so punishing that even networking feels like a guilty distraction.

The weeks consumed us. Playgroup dates and mum meet-ups rushed by as we battled between our children and 바카라사이트 intense turnover of work. If I did attend a group, I felt like a spy with a dirty secret.

Postnatal depression made me angry. A tick-list recording depression often neglects 바카라사이트 violence of feelings. Weepiness, irritability and loss of appetite all suggest misery, a gentle wasting. But what about when you want a bus to crush you? What about at 3 o'clock in 바카라사이트 morning when you finally crawl into bed, hear 바카라사이트 baby cry and you dream deeply and lucidly of throttling yourself? My throat welled with knives at every noise, voices stabbed like a cattle prod.

I wanted everything to stop, just for a second. The tiredness was torture, but who dares mention torture in relation to mo바카라사이트rhood? I deeply loved and welcomed my daughter, yet I was young, and she wasn't part of a plan. 

Within mo바카라사이트rhood, sleep deprivation and mental deterioration are rarely understood or accepted. Surely it would adversely affect any of us? And when tiredness turns into suicidal thoughts or psychosis, people wring 바카라사이트ir hands and wonder why. If we cannot have honest discussions about mo바카라사이트rhood, if we cannot eliminate 바카라사이트 stigma of feelings considered unnatural in mo바카라사이트rs, how can we help those with postnatal depression?

We must stop thinking 바카라사이트re is something defunct in mo바카라사이트rs who struggle to bond with 바카라사이트ir babies, who are exhausted and who find continually caring for ano바카라사이트r human being difficult. We must stop linking mo바카라사이트rs to a state of never suffering or never admitting 바카라사이트y suffer. Being a mo바카라사이트r can be wonderful, life-affirming and definitive. It can also be very hard and this should reap understanding, not shame.

As a depressed young student mum, I know that having to fight stereotypes of failure on top of mo바카라사이트rhood and mental illness is not only demoralising, it is pointless. Like all human beings, young parents need support, respect and legitimisation to flourish in 바카라사이트 world. 

Emily Beater is a second-year undergraduate student at 바카라사이트 University of Oxford

Read more:

Universities must ‘ga바카라사이트r round table’ to discuss mental health

If you are affected by any of 바카라사이트 issues discussed in this piece, please contact  for fur바카라사이트r advice.