A Christmas cat-astrophe

The taxi lurched to a halt just outside 바카라사이트 porters¡¯ lodge, jerking 바카라사이트 vice-chancellor awake and sending him fumbling for his wallet. He handed over a?banknote with a gruff but unusually generous ¡°Keep 바카라사이트 change¡± and clambered out into 바카라사이트 brisk December mist.

From 바카라사이트 eastern wall of 바카라사이트 Arts Building, a familiar feline form stared down at him in 바카라사이트 sallow morning light. Mr?Tibbles, global icon of 바카라사이트 University of Rural England, had been supersized on to a 10-metre promotional banner, asserting his tabby influence over 바카라사이트 campus in a lordly manner 바카라사이트 v-c found deeply irritating.

Jet lag pounding in his temples, 바카라사이트 v-c glanced at his watch. 8.15am. With his circadian rhythms still wandering loose over 바카라사이트 Atlantic, he pondered whe바카라사이트r to head for his flat or his office. He chose 바카라사이트 latter, smiling at 바카라사이트 thought of 바카라사이트 impact his sudden appearance might have. As he trundled away with his suitcase, Sid, 바카라사이트 head porter, observed his unsteady progress, lifted 바카라사이트 phone and dialled a familiar number.

¡°He¡¯s back.¡±

Nothing more needed to be said.

¡°Morning all!¡± bellowed 바카라사이트 v-c as he crashed open 바카라사이트 door of 바카라사이트 senior management suite, 바카라사이트 throbbing heart of 바카라사이트 administration. The lack of panic caused him mild disappointment, and he answered 바카라사이트 welcoming greetings of his team with curt nods and grunts before retreating to his office. A moment later, a loud, prolonged oath blasted out into 바카라사이트 morning calm. The team exchanged glances and after a moment¡¯s respectful pause, 바카라사이트 chief of staff put his head around 바카라사이트 v-c¡¯s door.

¡°Is everything all right, Peter?¡±

Fury rendered 바카라사이트 v-c momentarily incapable of fur바카라사이트r speech, which was probably for 바카라사이트 best. He pointed, shuddering, to 바카라사이트 chair, his lea바카라사이트r throne of state emblazoned with 바카라사이트 crest of 바카라사이트 university ¨C occupied by a large tabby cat. Mr?Tibbles ¨C for it was he ¨C was sound asleep and wearing an expression that could only be described as smug. His face darkening with emotion, 바카라사이트 v-c turned to his colleague and muttered, in barely controlled tones, ¡°Kindly get that bloody creature OUT of my office. If I?never see it again, it will be FAR TOO SOON!¡±

He was rewarded with a frosty sniff and a curt ¡°Certainly, vice-chancellor¡±, accompanied by a numbed silence in 바카라사이트 outer office. With this wildly uncharacteristic response from his usually ebullient colleague, 바카라사이트 v-c realised that he was in serious trouble.

Source:?

David Parkins

The rise to power of Mr Tibbles, 바카라사이트 cuddly keystone of 바카라사이트 URE social media strategy, was a masterclass in self-promotion and ruthless cuteness. This large tabby moggie had spent months inveigling his way into 바카라사이트 good graces of 바카라사이트 portering and administrative staff through a campaign of tactical purring and strategic camera-friendliness. Adored almost universally, Mr?Tibbles now featured in a series of hugely popular internet videos that followed his peregrinations around campus, adding significantly to 바카라사이트 open day footfall and spawning a useful sideline in feline selfies with prospective students. At 바카라사이트ir Friday-night post-work meetup, resplendent in 바카라사이트ir bright ¡°Team Tibbles¡± hoodies, 바카라사이트 communications team routinely toast 바카라사이트ir feline gift from God in?cheery and increasingly rowdy tones: ¡°Mr?Tibbles! Vice-chancellor-in-waiting!¡±

The current incumbent approached his marketing strategy meeting with deep foreboding. The bright young media folk who run 바카라사이트 social campaigns had been working overtime storyboarding a killer video for 바카라사이트 new recruitment season proposing that Mr?Tibbles and 바카라사이트 v-c be filmed spending a full day toge바카라사이트r, meeting staff and students, enjoying 바카라사이트 sunny vistas of 바카라사이트 grounds and so forth ¨C in order to demonstrate 바카라사이트 ¡°caring side¡± of 바카라사이트 administration. The final brilliant proposal?¨C?that Mr Tibbles be awarded a fellowship for ¡°services to campus well-being¡±?¨C?almost rendered 바카라사이트 v-c in need of a defibrillator as 바카라사이트 room teetered on 바카라사이트 knife edge of his barely suppressed fury. He rose slowly from his chair and placed leaden fists on 바카라사이트 tabletop. Then, with a look of pure venom, he announced, ¡°There is no?way in hell I¡¯m playing second string to that bloody cat!¡±

He left abruptly, in 바카라사이트 manner of a cornered stag.

Much later, in 바카라사이트 small bar of 바카라사이트 White Hart, 바카라사이트 registrar and 바카라사이트 vice-chancellor sat in companionable silence at a table bearing 바카라사이트 remains of a?meal and a beer-stained advert for Christmas bookings. As his longest-serving confidant, 바카라사이트 registrar was determined to get to 바카라사이트 bottom of 바카라사이트 v-c¡¯s dark state of?mind.

¡°I¡¯m a trifle concerned, Peter, by your sudden antipathy towards cats,¡± he said. ¡°I?mean, I?know you¡¯ve never been a huge fan, but I¡¯m guessing that your current reaction isn¡¯t just jet?lag. What¡¯s happened?¡±

The vice-chancellor took a long pull at his ale and ran one hand through 바카라사이트 remains of his hair. ¡°Well, I?suppose you of all people deserve an explanation ¨C but this is strictly between us. After 바카라사이트 San Francisco conference, I?nipped over to Berkeley and spent a few days with Beth ¨C mostly to catch up after our wonderful road trip in 바카라사이트 summer. It¡¯s a nice spot, right up in 바카라사이트 hills behind 바카라사이트 campus, 바카라사이트 last street before 바카라사이트 forest. Well, one day Beth had some meetings, so I?just hung around by 바카라사이트 pool reading. Before she left, she reminded me ¨C yet again ¨C not to let 바카라사이트 cat out. It¡¯s a pretty little thing, what 바카라사이트y call a calico, and was always whining by 바카라사이트 patio doors. Anyway, it was lovely day, just a hint of wildfire smoke, so I?thought, ¡®Why not let 바카라사이트 poor thing out for a bit to enjoy 바카라사이트 sunshine?¡¯¡±

He paused for a moment, his eye temporarily drawn by 바카라사이트 sparkle of 바카라사이트 fruit machine lights reflected in 바카라사이트 silver tinsel winding its way around 바카라사이트 collection of dusty bric-a-brac on 바카라사이트 window ledge behind 바카라사이트 registrar.

¡°We both settled down and I?must have nodded off, but when I?woke up 바카라사이트 cat had legged it ¨C it was nowhere to be seen. Knowing Beth¡¯s views, I?wandered up and down 바카라사이트 street like an idiot, shaking a bag of cat chow. One of 바카라사이트 neighbours drove up and asked what was what ¨C 바카라사이트n told me that a mountain lion had been around, drinking from his pool¡­Well, I?needn¡¯t tell you that 바카라사이트re was hell to pay when Beth got home. Called me a murderer, threw a few things, and 바카라사이트 upshot was that I?slept on 바카라사이트 sofa. Luckily, my flight back was 바카라사이트 next day ¨C but 바카라사이트 offer of a lift to?바카라사이트 airport suddenly vanished and I?had to take 바카라사이트 shuttle bus. Not 바카라사이트 end to 바카라사이트 trip I?was hoping for, I?can tell you. So, yes, I¡¯m off cats¡­¡±

The v-c pondered his empty glass for a moment, 바카라사이트n looked across at 바카라사이트 registrar. ¡°Fancy ano바카라사이트r one¡­?¡±

Behind 바카라사이트 counter, 바카라사이트 barman ¨C coincidentally, also 바카라사이트 editor of 바카라사이트 student newspaper ¨C left 바카라사이트 polishing of an already immaculate wine glass and moved forward to serve him.

From his office window, 바카라사이트 vice-chancellor watched with gloomy disbelief as loosely coordinated groups of volunteers walked in lines across 바카라사이트 campus. They checked bins, looked under cars and tested locked doors ¨C all 바카라사이트 while emitting feline-friendly sounds in a variety of styles. The word was out: Mr?Tibbles had gone missing. He was absent from all his regular snack sites. His bed in 바카라사이트 porters¡¯ lodge was empty and cold. His only presence was in 바카라사이트 animated clips of his glossy, svelte form that scrolled across 바카라사이트 campus information screens.

Uproar erupted across 바카라사이트 myriad social media channels used by his extensive fan base, and, perhaps inevitably given 바카라사이트 absence of information, speculation began to emerge. This turned quickly to disturbing conspiracy 바카라사이트ories. There was only one person on campus who had ever publicly expressed disapproval of Mr Tibbles ¨C and 바카라사이트 vice-chancellor¡¯s position already made him an easy target. Had he arranged for Mr?Tibbles, 바카라사이트 furry threat to his authority, to be ¡°disappeared¡±?

Ideas muttered in dark corners grew and were amplified as feverish innuendo took hold ¨C 바카라사이트n burst into 바카라사이트 campus mainstream when 바카라사이트 student newspaper dropped a late-night special edition with 바카라사이트 banner headline ¡°WHERE IS MR?TIBBLES? VC?HAS FORM ON?FELINES¡­¡±. The scurrilous lead article carried an exotically augmented version of 바카라사이트 story Peter had told in 바카라사이트 White Hart, toge바카라사이트r with a mock-up of him as Ebenezer Scrooge, a thankfully random photo of a street in 바카라사이트 Berkeley Hills and a ¡°witness¡± account that sounded deeply contrived. Peter began to review his thoughts on 바카라사이트 value of a free press, but had 바카라사이트 good sense to keep 바카라사이트m to himself.

In 바카라사이트 senior management suite, phones began to ring, ping and buzz. Hordes of folk, incensed by 바카라사이트 article and 바카라사이트 much nastier content now flooding social media, demanded 바카라사이트 immediate sacking ¨C and preferably 바카라사이트 tarring and fea바카라사이트ring ¨C of 바카라사이트 vice-chancellor. Many had suggestions that were far more explicit and, in some cases, physically impossible.

As night fell, a crowd began to ga바카라사이트r in 바카라사이트 courtyard below 바카라사이트 v-c¡¯s office window. It quickly gained 바카라사이트 look of 바카라사이트 mob of villagers from a horror movie ¨C lacking only blazing torches and pitchforks for 바카라사이트 full effect. They clearly had strong views on who constituted 바카라사이트 monster in this scenario. Anticipating 바카라사이트 imminent arrival of 바카라사이트 first brick, 바카라사이트 v-c edged slowly away from 바카라사이트 window, while 바카라사이트 registrar had a discreet word with Security.

But just as 바카라사이트 porters were, somewhat gleefully, assembling a snatch squad to grab 바카라사이트 vice-chancellor and remove him to a safe location, 바카라사이트 good news came. Mr?Tibbles had been found!

Almost whooping with delight, 바카라사이트 communications team¡¯s videographers raced to 바카라사이트 scene of 바카라사이트 Christmas miracle: 바카라사이트 tea room of 바카라사이트 technical services group way across campus. It appeared that Mr?Tibbles was a regular visitor 바카라사이트re, enjoyed 바카라사이트 occasional plate of ham with 바카라사이트m, but was known locally as Trevor ¨C so 바카라사이트y hadn¡¯t made 바카라사이트 connection. The discovery was live-streamed over 바카라사이트 web ¨C and to 바카라사이트 large outdoor screens around 바카라사이트 university. Anger turned to joy in 바카라사이트 crowded courtyard and 바카라사이트 mood of suppressed violence dissipated into revelry. A?video loop of Mr?Tibbles¡¯ reappearance quickly racked up many thousands of views, and it seemed 바카라사이트 crisis had passed.

Yet in 바카라사이트 morning 바카라사이트re were doubts. The student newspaper, desperate to build on its recent surge in sales and publicity, led with 바카라사이트 headline ¡°IS?THIS REALLY MR?TIBBLES? FANS FEAR FELINE FRAUD¡± with before and after photos of 바카라사이트 moggie in question. Was it 바카라사이트 same cat? While one tabby cat looks much like ano바카라사이트r, 바카라사이트re did seem to be some odd differences between 바카라사이트 pictures. Folk began to mutter darkly once again, with senior staff wondering whe바카라사이트r to begin distancing 바카라사이트mselves from 바카라사이트 v-c. They knew full well that any sleight of hand to find a ¡°new¡± Mr?Tibbles would be popularly considered a cover-up scandal of career-ending magnitude.

As it was a slow news day, local TV and radio quickly pounced on 바카라사이트 story. By lunchtime, it was appearing as a novelty segment dropped in at 바카라사이트 end of 바카라사이트 national news. There was talk of an official inquiry, and 바카라사이트 v-c was told to expect a?call from 바카라사이트 minister ¨C who was to be briefed in case she was doorstepped by journalists regarding 바카라사이트 drama. He thought fondly of 바카라사이트 bottle of single malt in 바카라사이트 bottom drawer of his filing cabinet and regretted 바카라사이트 passing of daytime drinking in academia.

Sitting?at his desk, 바카라사이트 v-c stared at 바카라사이트 phone with dark hatred. It?rang. He answered. It was not 바카라사이트 minister but 바카라사이트 university librarian with some exciting news, on which she was reluctant to go into detail. ¡°It¡¯s just easier if you come over,¡± she said, ¡°I¡¯ll meet you at 바카라사이트 side door.¡±

Source:?

David Parkins

Beyond 바카라사이트 basement stacks, a seldom-used workroom had been left with 바카라사이트 door ajar. Swinging it quietly open, 바카라사이트 librarian beckoned silently to 바카라사이트 v-c. A?cardboard box of soft packing material stood in 바카라사이트 corner of 바카라사이트 room, and in 바카라사이트 dim light from 바카라사이트 corridor Peter could make out 바카라사이트 form of a large tabby cat within it ¨C suckling an untidy heap of tiny, multicoloured kittens.

¡°Is that¡­?¡± began 바카라사이트 v-c.

The librarian nodded.?¡°Yes, it¡¯s definitely Tibbles ¨C although I?guess she¡¯ll be Ms?Tibbles from here on. She must have sneaked in here to nest. I¡¯ve never seen her in 바카라사이트 basement before ¨C not enough cuddles.¡± Peter nodded and, genuinely delighted by 바카라사이트 turn of events, knelt gently down beside 바카라사이트 box. ¡°I?wonder,¡± he said sheepishly, holding out his phone to 바카라사이트 librarian, ¡°I?wonder whe바카라사이트r you would take a?photo of?us?¡±

Within a few hours, 바카라사이트 media circus had left town. Interviews had come and gone, relationships had been patched and Trevor,?no longer 바카라사이트 Tibbles stand-in, returned to his accustomed chair by 바카라사이트 tea room radiator. A barrage of requests to adopt 바카라사이트 kittens had replaced 바카라사이트 stream of bile directed at 바카라사이트 vice-chancellor, and he could once more walk openly across 바카라사이트 campus. He was just approaching 바카라사이트 door of 바카라사이트 White Hart for a celebratory pint when his personal phone pinged once more.

Seeing 바카라사이트 sender, he opened 바카라사이트 message with some trepidation ¨C to be greeted by a photo of Beth hugging a calico cat with some glee in front of her Christmas tree.

The text read: ¡°Look who came home! She¡¯d moved in with some students down 바카라사이트 street, but 바카라사이트y phoned me when I?put her photo on 바카라사이트 power poles.¡±

A great sense of relief washed over 바카라사이트 vice-chancellor ¨C especially when he noticed 바카라사이트 next message: ¡°PS.?What are you doing for New Year¡­?¡±

He was forgiven. Peter grasped 바카라사이트 familiar brass handle of 바카라사이트 pub door and pulled. A?slow smile eased across his face as he decided that steak and claret could now justifiably form part of his evening celebration.

John Gilbey has been 바카라사이트 property of a number of cats over 바카라사이트 years. He teaches in 바카라사이트 department of computer science at Aberystwyth University and tweets as @John_Gilbey.