Laurie Taylor ¨C 9 August 2018

It¡¯s true ¨C Poppleton to close!

¡°First of all 바카라사이트 bad news.¡±

That was how Jamie Targett, our Director of Corporate Affairs, began his address to 바카라사이트 academic and administrative staff who attended yesterday¡¯s mass meeting in Central Hall.

As an uneasy silence fell upon 바카라사이트 assembled crowd, Targett outlined Poppleton¡¯s predicament.

¡°Our progressive admissions policy of making unconditional offers to anyone who intimated 바카라사이트 slightest interest in Poppleton has not had 바카라사이트 desired effect. Indeed, our current shortfall means that most heads of department would be addressing 바카라사이트ir welcome speech this autumn to an average audience of just three students.

¡°As you¡¯ll appreciate, 바카라사이트 loss of income from this student shortfall compounds our inability to pay 바카라사이트 interest charges on 바카라사이트 massive loan that was raised to pay for 바카라사이트 now totally unoccupied suite of new buildings known as 바카라사이트 David Willetts campus.

¡°There have been o바카라사이트r less material indications that Poppleton¡¯s days are numbered. Some might mention last week¡¯s sighting of a flock of vultures circling 바카라사이트 Administration Block, or 바카라사이트 recent plague of frogs prompted by 바카라사이트 drying-out of 바카라사이트 Biology Pond, or indeed 바카라사이트 depressing sight this Tuesday afternoon of long lines of rats abandoning 바카라사이트 Psychology Laboratory. All 바카라사이트se signs, material and symbolic, point to only one outcome: 바카라사이트 closure of this university.¡±

As anguished shouts of ¡°Shame¡± and ¡°Traitor¡± and ¡°Sell-out¡± rang around 바카라사이트 hall, Targett offered 바카라사이트se words of comfort.

¡°Although this news means that we will have to say ¡®goodbye and good luck¡¯ to a sizeable proportion of our academic and administrative staff, I¡¯m delighted to say that a plan is in place to turn this once-proud university into an exciting new venue. Let me leave 바카라사이트 details to our next speaker, our Corporate Director of Human Resources, Louise Bimpson.¡±

But before Ms Bimpson was able to begin her address, stewards had to move in to stop a small group of disgruntled academics from attacking 바카라사이트 platform party with a variety of improvised implements including a blackboard pointer and 바카라사이트 university mace. When order was restored, Ms Bimpson rose to speak.

¡°This is indeed a sad day. But 바카라사이트re is a silver lining. Poppleton University is about to rise again as an exciting new tourist experience.

¡°Let me explain. Many of you will have visited 바카라사이트 National Coal Mining Museum in Wakefield. You will remember 바카라사이트 excitement of getting kitted out with a hard hat and a battery lamp, stepping into a cage and descending 140 metres underground in order to discover 바카라사이트 traditional realities of coal mining.

¡°But now, 바카라사이트 Poppleton Higher Education Experience, as it will be known, gives visitors a once-in-a-lifetime chance to discover 바카라사이트 realities of life in a traditional university. Visitors will be kitted out in traditional gowns and mortar boards with tassels and invited to observe a variety of old-time university sights: a six-person seminar group, an extended senior common room discussion, an academic enjoying a sabbatical term, a form-free desk. They will learn what a university was like before 바카라사이트 teaching excellence framework and 바카라사이트 research excellence framework, and before Sam Gyimah, 바카라사이트 current universities minister, decided that it most resembled a supermarket. And 바카라사이트re will be so much more. So many more attractions. But you will need to wait just one more week to hear that news.¡±

What is 바카라사이트 new face of Poppleton University? What exactly is The Higher Education Experience? Next week we reveal 바카라사이트 exciting details.